Holly Cabiedas (yellowcat) Profile Page
Holly Cabiedas (yellowcat)
Hits 1761
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 09/26/2008
Last Online 01/02/2009
Connections 9
Avg Profile Rating
 
About Myself: As of December 22, 2008, I've removed all my stories from the Storiesville site.

Days prior I was contacted by a teacher saying that one of his students had ripped off one of my stories. This also happened to another writer on this site. Despite the copyright notice at the bottom of the page, there is little protection for one's original created works. While I don't hold Storiesville accountable for the theft, I also have not had this problem on any other web sites to which I have posted fiction.

Until I can prevent my stories from being copied here I will no longer post.

Best of luck to you all!

Stories



This user has no published stories.

Comments

Title article: Halloween, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-10-31 14:52:40
"I'm more rabbit than you can handle lad
HAHAHAHA! 
 
This is seriously funny. I don't have an Internet Bunny Suit, but I like to wear a bowl on my head when I write. 
 
I loved these two lines:  
 
"Just drive old man or I'll turn your throat into a drinking fountain." I snarled 
 
"I don't know," I replied. "I think I'm going to kill a bunch of people."

Title article: Jack Harper and the Schoolyard Ghost, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-10-30 22:39:24

This is an interesting start. It flows well and moves along nicely. It also hooked me into wondering what happened to the house and his family. I'm interested to read more. 
 
I noticed a few typos and unless you are talking about the female wrestler, the stuff in the cabinet is spelled China. ; )

Title article: The Children I Never Had, Nor Wanted.
Date: 2008-10-30 22:05:33

While I liked the dry humour here, I did not like the two mile long sentences in ( ). I was forced to read the sentence twice; once with the ( ) and once without it. What's worse, some of the best parts of the story were in ( ). So rather than enjoy the flow and abstract poetry of the words I was lurched back into the main sentence and had literally no idea what was going on. Sort of like riding a train while standing. It was very distracting.  
 
Even if you are aiming for something, your reader is annoyed.  
 
Take the suggestions offered here and clean it up. This is too good to be ruined by a writing style most people dislike.

Title article: Richards bad day
Date: 2008-10-30 21:51:10

Interesting story, but it needs some polish. I liked the humour and the pace of the story. 
 
However, there are sentence fragments, run on sentences, typos, punctuation errors and paragraphs that are waaay tooo long. All of these were very distracting. 
 
A little bit of clean up will make this a top notch piece.

Title article: Wishful Thinking, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-10-30 21:41:45
"David Barratt, you bloody great fool. I
Since I've read Chapter 3 I have an idea of where you are going with this. It is an interesting take on an old legend...a wish turning a person into a vampire.  
 
The writing was good with just enough humour. Can't wait to read the rest of this.

Title article: The Return
Date: 2008-10-30 21:22:39

I am very impressed with this piece given your age. This is twisted even by my standards. I like the disposal method described for body #1. The story moves along nicely and has a good flow, but it did bog down a little with the details of his reconstruction. I would be more interested to know why he "saves" people than how he put his life back together. 
 
I did notice a number of typos and a few tense shifts that need correcting. 
 
Good job!

Title article: Taste, Chapter 4
Date: 2008-10-29 19:58:58

A BMW may be classy & expensive, but there is something to be said for a mini van... 
 
Yes, I do see where you are going with the taste; she is his other half. Sucks to be him. 
 
I did notice maybe one typo and one word that was left out. I'll PM the sentences to you. 
 
Good job on this! I enjoyed it very much.

Title article: Crumpled Destinies...
Date: 2008-10-29 19:27:42

I haven't read anything like this, but I knew almost immediately what was going on. Stories like that are good as long as the suspense & fear builds. I didn't feel fear or suspense. 
 
And a few technical things: why ice cold bath water. Water cuts down on the mess, cold makes the blood flow less, but cold also makes a person come out of a drugged state faster. Also, you can't just cut out someone's heart. The rib cage has to be separated (think about breaking open a raw chicken, then apply it to a large, raw human). This would require a little more than a knife. 
 
There is potential in this story, don't get me wrong, but a little more work on the fear factor & reality is necessary.

Title article: Wasted Resources
Date: 2008-10-29 19:08:18
Any resistance and I would need correcti
Yikes!! 
 
Overall, not a bad story. The concept is interesting and the story moves along. I felt the character's fear & bewilderment along with a sick sort of humour. However, I noticed a number of typos, words missing & incorrect punctuation that distracted me from what I was reading. This is why I only rated this a 3. 
 
Typos I noticed: "Why it's necessary for nurses to carry firearms I sill don't" & "three days from then I would fined several hundred dollars" & ""That's right Mr. Monroe", a mans voice said" & "Government Resources.......Blatantly" (should be only 3..."B" in lower case) & "there's not a bed in this complex that aint" & ""Now then, Mr. Fildes, " (who's this?) & "I didn't know the still made these things" 
 
Also thoughts don't need to be in quotes nor should you write I/he/she thought to indicate the thought. You started out doing it, then you stopped. 
 
Write on!

Title article: Wishful Thinking, Chapter 3
Date: 2008-10-29 18:47:18

You've got a real headscratcher here...enough information to make the reader want more without showing your hand too soon. I haven't read the previous chapters yet, but I'll get right on it. 
 
One technical note from a person who reads crime novels (and a lot of them) the thing about the cigarette butt...how could they tell it had been left at about the time the woman died? It seems as if the area around a park bench would be littered with butts. There is no time stamp on fingerprints or saliva. This doesn't change the strength of the story, but it did trip me up & it will trip up others who read crime novels.

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
12/13/2008 20:41:47Re:Is anyone else having problems?Off-Topic246
12/13/2008 18:07:44Is anyone else having problems?Off-Topic246
11/17/2008 20:17:57Re:Allmine is greatOff-Topic812
11/01/2008 23:13:00Re:Deletions?Off-Topic723
10/30/2008 20:02:56Re:I Need HelpOff-Topic278
10/28/2008 15:54:28Re:There is a leg on my deckOff-Topic1227
10/28/2008 15:48:33Re:Children do not like lemonsOff-Topic357
10/27/2008 22:05:35There is a leg on my deckOff-Topic1227
10/26/2008 23:42:17Re:The Forum Is A ToolOff-Topic286
10/22/2008 01:06:24Re:I must perservereOff-Topic910

Connection

Holly Cabiedas (yellowcat)'s connections

OFFLINE christopher altendorf (brothersee)
OFFLINE Timothy Jay (TimothyAJ86)
OFFLINE Crystal (crystalv)
OFFLINE Kira (kira73)
OFFLINE J. Dane Tyler (DarcKnyt)
OFFLINE Raven Moffitt (StormWriter)
OFFLINE Matthew Lippart (mlippart)
OFFLINE Albert (JJ1)
OFFLINE Billy (Vango)
 

Guestbook


Name Entry
J. Dane Tyler (DarcKnyt)

Arctic Cirlce
 Created On: 10/31/2008 08:22:47
So, you're in a cold, remote part of Wyoming, eh? I have a question:

Which part of Wyoming ISN'T cold and remote?

You're a great writer and a fabulous reviewer. Even if I'm not your favorite.

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