amy (elenalda) Profile Page
amy (elenalda)
Hits 454
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Member Since 07/01/2008
Last Online 09/18/2008
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Total number of comments: 40

Title article: Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.
Date: 2008-07-09 00:50:32

Flossy, I'd really love it if you could PM me or comment on one of my stories to make your point better. No use in bickering all over somebody's comment page in order to grab credits without even evaluating their work.  
 
And ffs, is Elenalda really that difficult to spell?  
 
Cookingwine, I bet fictionpress would love to have you.

Title article: Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.
Date: 2008-07-09 00:18:11

The abstractions are beautiful but are just stepping over the line where they're not clear enough to follow. Toy with it--it's like tuning a string. You go too far in one direction and then bring it back to normalcy.  
 
This story has the most potential of anything I've read here so far, and that makes me really happy.  
 
Here's what I've assumed: narrator is reminiscing about a girlfriend who walked out on him (the door slamming) and now she's calling back. He's stuck in a rut, worrying about the button thing (not sure what that refers to) and wondering if he can make it work. He's at a dead end, and not sure if Anna's the way out.  
 
On track? Ish?

Title article: Frantic, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-07-08 23:49:02

The error I saw was "alluminates"--should be "illuminates". I figured there might have been more that I missed ("uncontrollable" vs "uncontrollably"). Some other specifics about mechanics include, amusingly enough in light of r.e. potter's recent outburst, hyphen problems. You have words serving as modifiers of nouns that ought to be hyphenated but aren't (they should be: "chocolate-covered hands", "flower-patterned dress,"). That's the main grammar issue, but you also need few commas for clarity and...something else. Maybe it was a semicolon. Don't remember.  
 
But I stick to what I said--this has potential to be such a rad, amazing story and just needs work. The more ambitious and complicated, the more work, though it always leads to superior pieces.

Title article: Frantic, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-07-08 16:53:23

This is a very ambitious piece, and I think for the most part you've fulfilled your ambition. However, it's still quite rough. Work on  
-clarity 
-realism 
-mechanics (grammar & spelling) 
and you should have a great bit of fiction going. I like a lot of your choices (naming a character Frantic, the slight muddiness & confusion) though some of them are not so pleasing to me (the nagging worry that I have that your character has split personality disorder, which is so rarely represented accurately--please, for my sake, if that's the case READ UP ON THE DISORDER.) 
 
Sorry, pet peeve. Anyway. Keep working and fixing and writing!

Title article: The Gift
Date: 2008-07-08 16:43:14

I had that exact experience (the one at the end.) How strange.  
 
I liked this. It was a nice little vignette with form and purpose. I would work on word choice a little--is the drive home really "somber?" It comes off a little thesaurus-y. Double-check your grammar as well: the sentence starting with "I retrace my steps" should be split in two or beautified with a semicolon or dash. Nicely done, though.

Title article: Don't put me in the same box
Date: 2008-07-08 16:35:13

You raise a good point--many liberals who push acceptance as an agenda simply cannot tolerate the religious right. I think I'd rather see this question raised in a personal essay or a story, though--for me, it just doesn't suit a poem. Too sing-songy with the rhyme scheme.

Title article: Diary of a Fat Girl
Date: 2008-07-08 15:53:04

Cute and trite, like a romantic comedy. I don't really like your title, and I think you could maybe do a little research because your characters are somewhat unreal. But not bad! You stick well to the idea of multiple viewpoints and gave both characters distinctive personalities, which is good.

Title article: Strength To Say Goodbye
Date: 2008-07-04 23:14:45

Cute and pointless, but I suspect this poem was more for your benefit than anyone else's. Try working on clarity; I had to read a line a few times to fully understand it.

Title article: I'm Sorry / Memoirs of the lost soldier
Date: 2008-07-04 23:12:12

I'm sure that someone, somewhere, can take a lesson from this poem. Me? Not so much.

Title article: I'm Sorry / Memoirs of the lost soldier
Date: 2008-07-04 22:45:30

"Some of your corrections where not needed because it could be written in both formats"--not correctly. No one is stopping you from writing in bad grammar. Sometimes people like to write properly and my corrections were informed by that.  
 
I'm sorry to read that you think I would use a metaphor as terrible as the one you've just pulled out (and, matter of fact, "we don't have to go there like the streets of compton" is a simile!) I'm very sorry that you dislike the fact that I use metaphors. But I've put it in my profile--don't read my stories if you don't like thinking. Not my problem if you don't like my corrections--or my stories--or me. I'm just trying to help.

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Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
07/11/2008 09:57:07Re:Let's clear the airOff-Topic1570
07/09/2008 21:03:52Re:Let's clear the airOff-Topic1570
07/09/2008 14:46:14Re:Let's clear the airOff-Topic1570
07/09/2008 13:51:00Let's clear the airOff-Topic1570

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