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J.J (soulwriter) Profile Page

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Member Since	04/24/2008
Last Online	09/07/2008
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Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Aug 4, 2008	Catching madness without losin' It	Poetry	77
Jul 15, 2008	Two Sides of the Spectrum	Miscellaneous Stories	104
Jul 14, 2008	Imagination Encircles The World	Poetry	114
Jul 13, 2008	Her Most Loyal Man	Poetry	114
Jul 6, 2008	That One Perfect Chord	Poetry	132
Jul 3, 2008	Whistlin' Past the Graveyard	Poetry	140
Jul 2, 2008	Everything You Can Think	Poetry	126
Jun 30, 2008	Building Steam with a Grain of God	Poetry	240
Jun 28, 2008	In a Sentimental Mood	Poetry	102
Jun 28, 2008	Self-Portrait in Three Colors	Poetry	91
Jun 26, 2008	What goes on in the suburban streets	Poetry	103
Jun 24, 2008	It's the Money	Poetry	109
Jun 24, 2008	She and she alone	Poetry	104
Jun 21, 2008	Watching the dreamers	Poetry	95
Jun 17, 2008	Something about confusion	Poetry	105
Jun 14, 2008	Though it was only dreaming, it stayed with me (poem)	Poetry	74
Jun 13, 2008	The Passenger (a poem)	Poetry	95
Jun 13, 2008	The Average Man (a poem)	Poetry	98
Jun 5, 2008	Feeling nostalgic for when tomorrow was your future?	Miscellaneous Stories	134
Jun 1, 2008	Dream #1	Miscellaneous Stories	141

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Comments

Title article: Just another point of view
Date: 2008-07-03 03:42:30

Wow. The sins of the father is a pretty unique topic for a poem, and you've done it well, except maybe the inclusion of the phrase "Daft bastard" doesn't quite suit the tone of the poem, being slightly more informal than the rest.

Title article: Death
Date: 2008-07-02 16:29:04

Pretty good, the last two lines were easily the best - why does it stop the rhyming scheme near the start? Don't worry so much about rhyming - a few lines feel more cliched/clumsy than they should because of the rhyming and "unhappy feeling to have" sounds really trite and uninspired. Also, spelling mistakes "strom".

Otherwise, well done.

Title article: sugar
Date: 2008-07-02 16:24:44

Surreal.

It reads like a fairly normal domestic situation, in the thoughts of the characters and the way they act with each other, but the situation is bizarre. Feels like a scene from a light-hearted David Lynch movie.

Title article: Building Steam with a Grain of God
Date: 2008-07-01 13:16:16

Elenalda - yes, you are indeed on track, well, close enough.

I know it needs cutting down, I wasn't sure what to leave in and take out (there's an earlier version with another 7 stanzas - and there's a few more I know I still need to write out)

Thanks for confirming my suspicions that I was pushing the message too much as well.

Title article: Jigsaw Poem
Date: 2008-06-30 03:55:30

Well done for writing a poem that tries to experiment with the whole concept of structure, without turning it into a pretentious mess, and being able to write a poem so good that it would have worked and been enjoyable even without the jigsaw structuring.

Title article: Fat Phobia
Date: 2008-06-30 03:44:13

There is nothing wrong with this story - aside from the fact that, standing alone as it does, it is not really a story, being too short and not really having a plot arc.

Sounds like a prelude to the main story, and if it is that then it was a good introduction.

Title article: The Price of Greed
Date: 2008-06-29 20:14:32

Pretty good story, nice unexpected ending, nice introduction.

Needs characterization. Until I get to know these three brothers, I can't really care for them. Maybe brief dialogue, maybe flashbacks to their childhood (maybe with foreshadowing) whatever, just so long as I get a sense of who Jack, Fred and Bob are.

Title article: The Root of all Evil
Date: 2008-06-29 20:08:59

It's well-written, it's a unique story, it is memorable. It's good, is what I'm trying to say.

Even though it's a surreal story, there are a few problems with plausability.

1. Maybe it's because you know a different sort of girl, but none of the girls I know would, upon being confronted with an ex-boyfriend turned stalker who just stands and stares, casually invite him in for a movie.

2. The dialogue after she screams after seeing the head - get rid of it. No way is the levels of fear and adrenaline in her head going to allow her to think along lines.

Fix those problems, and you'll have a wonderful little slasher story

Title article: Don't put me in the same box
Date: 2008-06-29 19:56:10

Well conveyed, you get across the pain of having to endure double standards against you really well.

Think maybe there could be another stanza going into more detail answering "Do they think that doesn't hurt?" giving a little insight into exactly what effect it has. Not openly describing it, but just vague sketches of general feelings, and let the reader fill in the blanks. But it works as it is.

Title article: She
Date: 2008-06-28 19:24:16

This is a very good poem, an accurate poem, a well-expressed insight into the patterns of thought that lead to depression.

One problem "feelings of doom" - "doom" is too heavy a word for depression, although it fits to an extent, it sticks out a little. Maybe replace it with "gloom" or something else along those lines.

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