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J.J (soulwriter) Profile Page

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Online Status	OFFLINE
Last Online	07/20/2008
Connections	2
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Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Jul 15, 2008	Two Sides of the Spectrum	Miscellaneous Stories	61
Jul 14, 2008	Imagination Encircles The World	Poetry	61
Jul 13, 2008	Her Most Loyal Man	Poetry	65
Jul 6, 2008	That One Perfect Chord	Poetry	99
Jul 3, 2008	Whistlin' Past the Graveyard	Poetry	95
Jul 2, 2008	Everything You Can Think	Poetry	91
Jun 30, 2008	Building Steam with a Grain of God	Poetry	202
Jun 28, 2008	In a Sentimental Mood	Poetry	78
Jun 28, 2008	Self-Portrait in Three Colors	Poetry	62
Jun 26, 2008	What goes on in the suburban streets	Poetry	76
Jun 24, 2008	It's the Money	Poetry	83
Jun 24, 2008	She and she alone	Poetry	79
Jun 21, 2008	Watching the dreamers	Poetry	69
Jun 17, 2008	Something about confusion	Poetry	75
Jun 14, 2008	Though it was only dreaming, it stayed with me (poem)	Poetry	51
Jun 13, 2008	The Passenger (a poem)	Poetry	70
Jun 13, 2008	The Average Man (a poem)	Poetry	68
Jun 5, 2008	Feeling nostalgic for when tomorrow was your future?	Miscellaneous Stories	99
Jun 1, 2008	Dream #1	Miscellaneous Stories	114
Apr 24, 2008	All Night Bar	Horror	300

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Anna DeVine (Sad Sara)

Cliff Mitchell (CliffMitchell)

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Comments

Total number of comments: 35

Title article: The Drive
Date: 2008-07-16 19:00:08

This is v. similar to the other story of yours I read, these themes seem to hold interest for you.

Luckily you're pretty good at writing these kind of stories, although that conversation with his wife is poorly done - extend it a little and give descriptions of how the characters speak (e.g. "speech" he said sullenly) to make it flow better.

Yeah, very much American Psycho - the book is VERY good (provided you understand why he writes about certain things, and don't mind extreme, inventive violence).

Title article: Why
Date: 2008-07-15 06:39:52

These lines make no sense to me, I'm afraid -

Shuttle cock and loom (loom isn't a noun, and why are you bringing badminton into it?)

Consume the drum is beating boldly (the drum is called Comsume?)

I'm guessing this poem is about the doom that greed and evil will bring, resulting in war, yeah? And this "simple soul" is the way to be? Why speak about pigs in a sty? Are they supposed to represent the "moneyed faces" as the "simple soul" sees them?

It's okay, but again, those lines are somewhat fluffed.

Title article: Imagination Encircles The World
Date: 2008-07-14 18:03:17

Believe me, I need periods...like a woman needs wet dreams. Ahahaha...I made a pun.

Title article: Her Most Loyal Man
Date: 2008-07-14 15:38:21

"his love" - it means as in she is his love - he's referring to her as "his love". He thinks he is in love with her, and calls her his love, as in "his one true love".

Title article: Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.
Date: 2008-07-13 19:19:35

Yeah, just a moment in someone's life, these two young people surrounded by the old. I really liked how the old guys kept harassing him, like he'd entered their territory.

You're a really good writer, you don't need gimmicks like shock endings or any obviously exciting plot device to make your story gripping (but in a relaxed way...if that makes sense)

Title article: Her Most Loyal Man
Date: 2008-07-13 19:07:37

Damn, can't seem to fix it.

By the by, I should say that the guy in the poem isn't me.

Title article: Full Length Mirror
Date: 2008-07-13 18:00:11

Errors

splenda - no, the rhyming scheme isn't an excuse for that, it just makes the poem sound jokish and insincere

Channel - I think it's Chanel

Don't worry about rhyming - it makes this whole poem a little less effective than it would be. Apart from that, good poem (sounds like you might've been competing with said mirror for someone's affections)

Title article: So, What Are You Buying Today Mr. Shackleton?
Date: 2008-07-13 17:54:55

Things to consider

Cut out a lot of the movie section - just summarise it with something like "Alex watched the movie, and although he did pay attention, and felt emotion at the appropriate moments, by the next day he could barely recall the title of the film, let alone the details" or some such thing.

So, apart from that, what could you do make the story more popular

1. Maybe make it more obvious - exaggerate how shallow he is, more than you do so already.

2. Make him a little aware of how shallow and dull he is? Ever read American Psycho? Patrick Bateman is like yr. guy, except he turns to mass murder in a failed attempt at individuality.

Cool story overall, well done.

Title article: So, What Are You Buying Today Mr. Shackleton?
Date: 2008-07-13 17:48:29

I can't remember the title of it, but there's a short story by JG Ballard that is similar to this - kind of.

In his story (brief,crap synopsis), the main character is followed around by this guy who claims that there is subliminal messages in everything and that people are being brainwashed into constantly buying things. The main character doesn't believe him till the guy sabotages a billboard, revealing the BUY NOW BUY NOW message underneath the otherwise innocent sign. He sees this, but he's too brainwashed to remember for very long. Anyway, the point is, that story had a very similar mood to yours -the characters constant trips to buying things, the whole "convincing himself he needs these things" mindset, you dig?

Anyway, I can see what you were trying to do, having read your comments. I'll post "things to consider in a second comment.

Title article: Frustration
Date: 2008-07-13 16:41:44

I don't know. You do a fair enough job of describing frustration, but it reads too much like song lyrics. Like something that was written for the way it sounded, as opposed to what it says. You dig?

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