Teddy

Teddy I love Sam. She...

Through the Eyes of Death ©

England 1066 (Dawn)...
Paul Vigg (paulwhowrites) Profile Page
Paul Vigg (paulwhowrites)
Hits 383
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 03/06/2008
Last Online 03/23/2008
Connections 0
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Website/Blog: www.freewebs.com/paulwhowrites
About Myself: I'm an as yet unknown writer patiently waiting to be discovered. I've always written, from a very young age, and gained praise and appreciation from teachers and readers alike. I wrote my first book at the age of 16 (which was AWFUL), and since then have written a lot more, and a lot better. Currently working on various short stories, always writing poems, and I have a novel in the works. I wrote a novel named Elseworld: Face the Glutton which I have sinced tried to get an agent with, but no luck so far. My new novel should hopefully be a vast improvement. Check out my website at www.freewebs.com/paulwhowrites

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Mar 23, 2008PieceScience Fiction 158
Mar 6, 2008Last WordsHorror 288
Mar 6, 2008Child of the PlagueHorror 255
Mar 6, 2008The Black Queen, Part IHorror 196

Comments

Total number of comments: 5

Title article: Child of the Plague
Date: 2008-03-16 03:24:08
Followup
I'd never really thought of doing a followup, I wrote it a long time ago, but now that you mention it, it's an idea.

Title article: Return to Sender
Date: 2008-03-08 01:19:29
Good Tone
This story creates and maintains a very strong style and tone that makes it hang together well. However, I think a few more details could be added to put this story in a place, time and background, at the moment it kind of happens in a void. For example 'hell, car crashes are rare in this area,' what area? This sentence, 'Last time they had someone come in, she barely survived, since it was mandatory that they do all within their power to keep her alive. And the fact that she was not an Organ Donor,' doesn't really make sense, do you mean 'although it was mandatory?' The clipped sentences and fast dialogue create a lot of drama and the shortness of the story gives it a high impact. Nice work.

Title article: Express Elevator
Date: 2008-03-08 01:11:32
Numbers
OK, when writing fiction, don't use number symbols e.g. 1234, it's better to write them; one, two, three, four. You need to watch your word order and there are a few missed out words too, but that just needs a few more read-throughs. Also, don't use colons : in fiction writing, that's for academic stuff. The story has a great pace and timing and a lot of energy. Some of the images are a little clumsy, e.g. 'Gods below, but Io is the battered wife among planets. She’s bruised and shamed, and you know her husband comes home from work and beats her, but you never come out and say it.' It feels a little naive. The ending is very dramatic, but is mared by the L missing from well! A little more time spent on development and reading through would make this story a real gem. Nice work.

Title article: The Machine
Date: 2008-03-07 15:16:41
Too much!
This story keeps the suspense wonderfully, and it's a good length. However, you try to cram so many images in to every sentence that it feels too much when you read it. Punctuation seems to be all over the place as well because of the way you have chosen to write, it can be quite distracting. As well as this, who are these people? Where are they? When? The story feels as if it happens in a kind of void, which I think is the only major problem, it needs to be 'placed' more. The last two lines seem to contradict each other, the machine stops working, but then continues to move. Your use of language is very lively and it's paced well. The characters are clear, they have personality. I think you need to state who is speaking more often however, the dialogue can get a little bit lost. Good work.

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