TO INNOCENCE

Innocence, thou hast left me long ago,...

To all the Young Lovers

Dedication: This is for the secret inner couple every...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 5309
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 10/07/2008
Connections 12
Avg Profile Rating
 
About Myself: I think it's awesome that the site automatically bleeps words like shit and fuck but it offers you to review or buy a book called, "Petter Hegre 100 Naked Girls" with a nude on the cover. Slick.

And, by the way, if you really don't think a story (regardless of whether it's mine or not) doesn't come to an end, that means you're reading like a fourth grader. Grow up, put on your big-boy-reader-panties and learn to react to what you're given, because you're always given something, considering words are there.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 103
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 123
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 135
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 173
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 188
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 164
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 120
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 143
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 255
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 529
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 617
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 316
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 544
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 293
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 325
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 306
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 308
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 295
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 254
Mar 2, 2008There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).Miscellaneous Stories 278
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:06:29

I thought overall, that was a solid job. Strong sentences, strong dialogue.  
 
At the beginning, I felt overrun with information that, I think, turned out to not be entirely unnecessary. I started ghost reading, or looking over the words and then not realizing what I had actually read. That might be a lapse in my attention or it might be a low point in the story. 
You should connect the over's that need to be connected. 
Overflowing, overrun; all that. 
courtesy** - 5th paragraph 
 
The intro paragraph was fantastic. Set a tone and a place and a character in one swoop. I would almost hope the rest of the story would be more like the introduction, but that can't always happen. 
'A single quote,' is incorrect here. 
"I was talking to Mary, and Mary said, 'A single quote is correct here.' And god damnit, Mary was right." 
Use those to separate dialogue within dialogue. 
You very rarely will ever need to use ellipses(=...). They are ugly and misconceived, generally. 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: Tricky Old Women
Date: 2008-05-25 18:48:11

Quality stuff. I really enjoyed that. 
I think this is your niche, to be honest. It feels like a shoe that fits to me. 
 
You really have to wonder why more old women aren't like this. 
 
Don't force dialogue. You can create breaks without putting them in text. Separate some things like this to create a natural break or awkwardness; 
"Good day," she said, grabbing her purse as my foot fidgeted. "Don't be so nervous." 
 
Even if that sucked, I hope it made sense in a general direction.

Title article: another
Date: 2008-05-23 21:31:09

Okay. And? 
 
I mean, sure. This could happen. But so what? 
 
This is a string of events. There really aren't dynamic characters, just two people going through a tragedy. You didn't give them any choices, or the reader. I felt like I was being talked to, not having a story being told to me. 
 
The best example I can give is when you tell a horror story with the flashlight on your face and all that jazz, the reason they were scary (or were, thanks to 2000's television and violence) the reason it's scary is because the kid goes home and relates it to his life, and in a way, makes the story his own the next time if he retells it. 
Without giving the characters the ability to make decisions with some emotional clout is like telling a kid he's going to get eaten, instead of telling him who's eating him, when he's going to be eaten, where he should suspect it, ect. 
 
Dialogue that is always at the front of a sentence makes the end of the sentence meaningless. 
 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: untitled assignment
Date: 2008-05-23 13:01:14

A pregnant Indian hunter-gatherer who philosophizes, swears, questions, who doesn't know anything but continues on writing a note to herself. 
Native Americans didn't have cash, no. But they bartered, which is essentially the same thing without a representative standard value so I don't know about the bit where she's addressing how trivial money is. 
 
I've always thought it's kind of funny that we die eventually. It's not really fair, to be honest. 
 
I think this had a little of comedy, a little of interesting perspective, a little conflicting knowledge given to us about the character; and overall, I think it was worth reading. And I think I got in too deep for an "untitled assignment". 
Have a good one.

Title article: Gabe & Dianne (chapter 1)
Date: 2008-05-20 13:38:47

The vodka and coke is a strange drink. 
 
You need to take a class in grammar. One piece of advice: read your story out loud to yourself and edit it like that. Where it is longwinded, look to cut sentences or break with a comma. You shouldn't have to breath again before you finish a sentence or it's too long. 
Commas can alleviate that along with dividing sentences. 
 
The dialogue was beyond cheesy. If your friends and you talk like that you need to find new friends because that is the definition of boring chatter. 
 
Don't always start paragraphs with dialogue. It makes for a tough read. 
 
I didn't like it. I like the idea of the ten things list but they aren't interesting things. 
 
You need to find a way to make it yours instead of writing it for someone else, because that's the omnipresent feeling that came with it.

Title article: the Processor-Chapter 1
Date: 2008-05-20 09:23:41

This sounds like an excerpt from gossip girls, if I were to guess. 
For me; 
it's too "And I did this. Then we did this. Then we did that." 
Ellipses (...) don't need to be used that often. It's distracting. 
 
It needs expansion on ideas, not story lines. 
 
At times, it feels like you aren't comfortable typing in those shoes. The short, incomplete sentences don't really accomplish anything and turns them more into a mistake than an expression.  
 
I really had no idea it was even possible to have this; 
",...". 
 
You don't need to tell us when to break. You should drop hints, not flash neon signs. A simple period can do the same job (or, that's when you should be splitting sentences into bursts of incomplete thought). 
 
If you'd like any other opinions, let me know. 
 
Keep on. 
^cs.

Title article: Our Words
Date: 2008-05-20 07:12:02

Very precise language. Definitely the concrete that it was built on, for me. 
 
That has to be the first time I've heard confabulation in practical use, and that kind of represents my whole feeling about it. 
It works for what its intended readership is, but for a non-sophisticate (and to be noted, non-poet) like myself, it strikes as eccentric. 
 
Keep on. 
:cs

Title article: Pretty-Ugly.
Date: 2008-05-14 06:07:51

Eh. In comparison to your others, don't like it.

Title article: when i was born again
Date: 2008-05-12 12:03:53

I looked at this, and literally sighed. It's really hard to drudge through line after line that have no paragraph splits. It's like if a novel wasn't split into chapters.

Title article: Dude, You Got Your Ass Kicked by a Girl
Date: 2008-05-12 12:01:26

This is kind of like a Rob Scheinder movie. 
I mean, I guess it's funny. It's more like, why did you type this out? 
Tough concept, the guy gets his ass kicked by a girl. Snarf snarf har har. Try and master it a little more instead of just stitching lines of dialogue together sloppily.

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1517
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1517
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic4271
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic895
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic895
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic977
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic701
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic701

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/09/2008 11:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/08/2008 13:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/03/2008 21:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 21:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22
I heard you don't bathe.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
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