Frantic, Chapter 1

Frantic staggers two steps back. His hand clutches...

Day of Revelation

The apocalypse hovered over their bodies as the two...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 3620
Online Status OFFLINE
Last Online 07/20/2008
Connections 12
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About Myself: I'm good at telling people what I like and don't like about their writing. It's a free service from me if you ask and show tangible interest in the works of others on this site.
You should comment on others things with something real to tell them, feedback, criticism, WHY you enjoyed/didn't enjoy instead of just IF you did or not.

Besides these things;
I hate the credits system on this site.
I write with bad punctuation on occasion because that's how I want it to sound if you speak out the sentences instead of read them. I know it's wrong.

I'd recommend a few authors from here as genuinely good authors and examples in how to do certain things, and here are the links to their pages:

Very good character development -
http://www.storiesville.com/d.dasgupta
(A nobody named somebody)

Relentlessly uncommon word choice (without sounding pretentious or forced) / good storytelling -
http://www.storiesville.com/Kasi elaborated
(The Invention of Uncertainty)

And just plain funny/original-
http://www.storiesville.com/JJtyler
(A Bad Answer For Writer's Block)

And for most things, including masturbation and partial insanity-

http://www.storiesville.com/content/view/1853/65/


I'll think of more later, but those are the ones I think very highly of.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 26
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 96
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 90
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 73
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 89
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 213
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 459
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 544
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 240
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 491
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 238
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 257
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 241
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 251
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 241
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 204
Mar 2, 2008There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).Miscellaneous Stories 227
Feb 28, 2008It's Free. You Can't Get A Refund.Miscellaneous Stories 303
Feb 27, 2008One Is Always Enough.Miscellaneous Stories 425
Feb 27, 2008I Guess?Miscellaneous Stories 266
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic986
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic986
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic2745
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic608
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic608
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic752
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic535
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic535

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi elaborated)
ONLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Guestbook


Name Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22
I heard you don't bathe.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/25/2008 19:00:08
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/12/2008 14:06:40
to answer your question, if the air around Earth froze it'd look like a cube, and then Subzero Earth would get placed inside an ice cube tray. I dunno why, would definitely eliminate an ice cube tray's purpose, but well, that's just what I heard... you know, just from around...
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard you suck.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/13/2008 17:46:01
Hello, ugly.
Sorrow Is My Mask (resistanceisfreedom)

 Created On: 04/30/2008 13:08:03
You can go fuck yourself. And then go pour another glass of that boring wine.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): Cheers!
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: Without Her
Date: 2008-05-26 15:30:40

I'm not really a huge fan of the complaining, whining tone that poetry generally entails. 
And this assumes that, to me.

Title article: Orange
Date: 2008-05-26 15:23:53

enough tragedy, instead of piling it on the guy. 
Things don't usually resolve with a huge shootout like so many tend to end them with. 
Overall, just a very real, believable story. 
 
You stay in your wheelhouse instead of trying to put on the shoes of other authors or anything like that. You seem comfortable telling this story, instead of rehearsed and edited. 
 
My only major problem comes with the choppiness of van shift. There is a great story just in his Home Depot or whatever you called it experience, and I'd almost rather see that than the bit about the van. Of course, this is a writers preference as to how you set things up, but it was rough to me in that regard. 
 
Overall, it left a good taste in my mouth, but wanting more of Starks and experiences involving him. 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: Orange
Date: 2008-05-26 15:14:26

e the active narrator. He knows he's telling a story to me, he knows the audience, and he knows it's out there. That's a very enjoyable and relateable trait. 
2) He had choices. I was wondering whether it was going to resolve with him getting a better job, how the van scene was going to play into things. 
3) I could see him. You don't always need descriptions to make people see characters, and I think you do a very good job of that here. 
 
As for the van guys; 
I don't like them. Too cliche in a story that isn't cliche. If you've seen kidnappers on the news or anything, usually, they are just fucked up in the head. They aren't usually people that stand out as scumbags. They don't play a huge role, but it just strikes me as awfully cliche in a story that highlights individualism. 
 
Now to other stuff: 
I loved the style. Invested and biased narrator. Wit. Humor. The unsuspected events that follow a college degree. Insightful and very real, as opposed to something unrealistic. 
 
There is just

Title article: Orange
Date: 2008-05-26 15:05:36

That was interesting. 
I'll be honest; this is probably going to be a long one. 
 
First, the apparent, grammar issue(s?): 
Always separate different speakers with different paragraphs. 
Wrong- 
"Hi," said Starks. "Hi," I said. 
Right- 
"Hi," said Starks. 
"Hi," I said. 
 
Actually, that's it as far as grammar things. It could have used a few paragraphs splits, but the issue about dialogue should resolve that naturally. 
 
I'll start with the real stuff now: 
Characters - 
I thought Stark was fantastic if not a little overdone. The catfish in an ice-chest was a bit over the top, but for me, the rest is entirely believable and likable. A dimwit, which I think is synonymous with redneck nowadays, saves the day (and even, takes a position of wisdom in-store, which is a very clever turn). Starks is the kind of character that could fit into a whole novel, for me. Very dimensional. Orientated in a great fashion. There was nothing serious to complain about Starks. 
 
The narrator had a few strengths; 
1) I lov

Title article: The Promise
Date: 2008-05-26 14:46:54

I didn't like it. 
It was like you put the girl in an avalanche, then crashed a plane into her, then gave her AIDS and anxiety attacks at the same time. 
 
Sometimes, you should try to do more with less rather than not do enough with more. 
 
You need to find a way to separate things rather than just shooting them back and forth automatically. It gets repetitive. A few waves look cool, but nobody sits on a beach for more than an hour still thinking the waves look cool. 
 
Overall; 
Way too much going on. The things that are the most simple are the best in life. 
And please, for the sake of the future and the other people trying to write and learn from this site, 
Ellipses are not a piece of common grammar. Every sentence doesn't warrant an ellipses (which is this ...). Don't use pieces of grammar that don't have relevance and that just destroy flow. 
This story seems to be relying too much on outside factors and not enough on overall substance. 
I'd take it to the shop and strip it.

Title article: missing
Date: 2008-05-26 09:24:22

Too much going on. 
I think you were trying to build a house out of legos and you started trying to build the roof before you put together the walls. 
The dialogue seemed unimportant. The characters weren't owning the story, they were just pieces of a story that couldn't turn in any other direction. You need to give them choices to make them alive and give them dynamics besides names.

Title article: Nishith-babu: Small Man in a Large World
Date: 2008-05-26 09:20:34

"He did have a family though, especially a mother..." 
That was very good. 
"I doubt if he could afford a square meal every day. His appearance proved this beyond a doubt." 
That doesn't make sense. You doubt beyond a doubt? 
"'Ad...v...v...ice?' I stammered." 
That's redundant. Lose the ellipses (...) because that isn't proper use. 
 
The ending didn't do it for me. The journey was way too long to have it end like that. I mean, do things how you want to do them, but this is simply through my goggles. 
 
I liked the idea of a poor Communist lecturer that barks back propaganda on demand. 
There was too much going in that story to just kill the guy and change focus. 
 
Keep on. 
-CS.

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:08:09

One other thing; 
Too much going on. 
Think of what you really need to keep to make it still the story you're looking for, and cut it down to that. It seems like you're almost piling things on this already unfortunate existence. 
 
I think I'm given you more than my two cents here, so for the sake of still possessing a bank account for the others, I'll stop donating to charity.

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:06:29

I thought overall, that was a solid job. Strong sentences, strong dialogue.  
 
At the beginning, I felt overrun with information that, I think, turned out to not be entirely unnecessary. I started ghost reading, or looking over the words and then not realizing what I had actually read. That might be a lapse in my attention or it might be a low point in the story. 
You should connect the over's that need to be connected. 
Overflowing, overrun; all that. 
courtesy** - 5th paragraph 
 
The intro paragraph was fantastic. Set a tone and a place and a character in one swoop. I would almost hope the rest of the story would be more like the introduction, but that can't always happen. 
'A single quote,' is incorrect here. 
"I was talking to Mary, and Mary said, 'A single quote is correct here.' And god damnit, Mary was right." 
Use those to separate dialogue within dialogue. 
You very rarely will ever need to use ellipses(=...). They are ugly and misconceived, generally. 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: Tricky Old Women
Date: 2008-05-25 18:48:11

Quality stuff. I really enjoyed that. 
I think this is your niche, to be honest. It feels like a shoe that fits to me. 
 
You really have to wonder why more old women aren't like this. 
 
Don't force dialogue. You can create breaks without putting them in text. Separate some things like this to create a natural break or awkwardness; 
"Good day," she said, grabbing her purse as my foot fidgeted. "Don't be so nervous." 
 
Even if that sucked, I hope it made sense in a general direction.

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