Short Stories | Storiesville.com - Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page

Hits	5436
Online Status	OFFLINE
Member Since	02/26/2008
Last Online	10/12/2008
Connections	12
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About Myself:

I'm looking for an interesting writer to critique heavily.

Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Oct 11, 2008	A Night After Dinner.	Miscellaneous Stories	48
Sep 12, 2008	Disillusionment.	Miscellaneous Stories	107
Sep 11, 2008	A History of the Defeated.	Miscellaneous Stories	130
Aug 23, 2008	Life As He Knew It.	Miscellaneous Stories	139
Jul 20, 2008	Under The Stars.	Miscellaneous Stories	175
Jul 11, 2008	Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.	Miscellaneous Stories	190
Jul 3, 2008	Honest Livings.	Miscellaneous Stories	166
Jun 22, 2008	Preferences.	Miscellaneous Stories	123
Jun 14, 2008	Velocity.	Miscellaneous Stories	146
Jun 11, 2008	Coffee Stains, Chapter 2	Miscellaneous Stories	257
Jun 8, 2008	Coffee Stains, Chapter 1	Miscellaneous Stories	534
May 25, 2008	His Favorite Chords.	Miscellaneous Stories	619
Apr 27, 2008	Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.	Miscellaneous Stories	321
Mar 19, 2008	11:11 And 11:12 Can Be Different	Miscellaneous Stories	548
Mar 14, 2008	Drops Of Rain.	Miscellaneous Stories	294
Mar 10, 2008	The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.	Miscellaneous Stories	327
Mar 8, 2008	How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.	Miscellaneous Stories	309
Mar 6, 2008	You Can't Unring A Bell.	Miscellaneous Stories	311
Mar 5, 2008	The Strangest Places.	Miscellaneous Stories	298
Mar 4, 2008	A Man Possessed.	Miscellaneous Stories	258

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 187

Title article: An Affair With Darkness
Date: 2008-10-11 13:34:00

This was different than your usual in terms of focus. Usually your focus is on character as opposed to action but this seemed to be about 90 percent action tied to 10 percent character.
But still, not bad.
I have seen better from you but this was not bad. I like different.
I didn't even know I was reading a D.D.

Title article: Stay Back
Date: 2008-10-11 13:28:09

You're a funny dude.
Basketball season is coming and I don't remember whether you were a Pistons or Celtics fan but either way, the Lakers are coming for you.

Title article: MELTING IN THE HEAT. (Aids Week, Gambia 2004)
Date: 2008-10-02 12:52:25

I didn't enjoy the man and I learned not to enjoy the woman.

I read it and then I read it out loud and I enjoyed it out loud more. To par with the other works I've read.

I think the most interesting thing about this is that I didn't care whatsoever of the man. Granted, I might naturally follow the females more than the men, but I think in this case, I really despise the woman, deep down, although I know that's not the intention.

It's a good swig, H.

Title article: Acorns Don't Fall Far
Date: 2008-10-02 12:35:20

The difference between them and me is that I'm actually tough. Really, they're stealing that image from me. I think. I saw it on the television so I'm not sure anymore.

Good stuff. It seems to be thought out as far as diction goes, and the style stands out from everybody else. Very solid in that respect.
It's a complete story which is fairly hard to do as well.

Voice is the most powerful thing a piece can have; not plot or characters or imagery, it's the person we imagine BEHIND the glasses that we fall for. You do a good job of that.

As for something I'd say to critique, I don't really have much (and I usually do).
I would say that you should really push your voice to an extreme in another story. Hardly develop the action or the characters and just carpet bomb me with obnoxiously obtrusive voice.

Cheers.

Title article: CRAZY (Gambia 2005)
Date: 2008-09-28 19:29:28

I remember reading something about making the reader pause and think with your stories.
I paused.
It's quality, unlike Zippos.

Title article: SEIZE THE TIME (Gambia 2008)
Date: 2008-09-28 19:11:41

You know, in any recollection, the reader has to like the narrator. We like voice, we like style, we like observant, and we definitely like this narrator.
It's a great scene. Truly. Very real and very valid.
If I said anything about this, it would be to give me more of the bold, intelligent narrator and less of the dead, lifeless pair.

Title article: Of Crows and Men
Date: 2008-09-28 19:06:48

It's solid, DD. Enough substance and not too much. Not much character but there doesn't need to be.
Entirely enjoyable but not lovable.

Title article: Belle Reve, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-09-28 19:02:36

Chapters are always tough to do right. I think you thought of what an opening chapter should do, because it's almost there, but it just needs a little gas.
I'm not sure if you intended,
"...but it was highly unlikely her father would let her," to strike at the heart of the character so well, but this is the kind of substance that fills the gas tank of a first chapter. You've revealed so many things about the character in ten words. It's not filler bullshit. One of K. Vonnegut's pieces of advice to writers was that every sentence should either reveal character and advance the plot. If it's not doing either, the sentence is unnecessary and unrelated to the story.
I think if you're really taking your writing seriously, you should re-read every sentence and, at least, think about that advice, and tweak accordingly if you think it needs it.
To me;
Not a bad job. It's missing something but not too much.
Give me more substance like the father line to let me know who she is.
Cheers.

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-08 10:11:59

I'm not saying the purpose is to exploit, just that it comes off the way.
I'm not asking you to apologize or explain (unless you want to debate merits of some style, etc.), I'm just telling you what I see it as. If you're writing for yourself than you should tell me to shove off and delete these comments, but if you're writing for others, I'm one of them, and even if you don't change anything in this story, you should note it in the future.

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-07 21:58:37

Alright, I'll give my skinny.
Have you seen Flight 93 (I think it is?)? The Hollywood film based on one of the 9/11 planes?
I got about five minutes into it and quit. It's not that I don't think it's a tragedy that should be remembered, it's that I think exploiting it for entertainment purposes lacks a certain tact.
While this piece is different, the driving center story is a tearjerker, and for me, not in a positive way. You beat this character who's given, by means of no background or exterior (B) story, no hope of anything different.
Bottom line; the average reader knows it's sad. But an ATTENTIVE reader will see it as trying to overwhelm them.
I guess the choice comes down to who you're appealing to.
There are things I can nitpick but I'm not going to.
I think you started in a bad direction and let it careen that way.
Language isn't bad, no major grammar problems (besides hyphens), but there was very little tangible story (which boils to ability for the character to make decisions.

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Forum

Last 10 Forum Posts

Date	Subject	Category	Hits
05/27/2008 09:10:25	Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good Intentions	Off-Topic	1563
05/26/2008 20:46:26	Comments: Tragedy and Good Intentions	Off-Topic	1563
05/21/2008 22:49:20	Re:Favorite Author	Off-Topic	4370
05/20/2008 11:12:23	Re:Writing Tips	Off-Topic	909
05/20/2008 11:11:48	Re:Writing Tips	Off-Topic	909
03/13/2008 23:12:52	Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?	Off-Topic	985
03/01/2008 01:58:42	Re:Appreciate it.	Off-Topic	713
02/29/2008 05:09:48	Appreciate it.	Off-Topic	713

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)

Philip Neale (philneale1952)

Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)

JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

Jody (Jody)

tomahawk (tomahawk)

Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)

Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)

Egoist (Egoist)

Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Guestbook

Name	Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22 I heard you don't bathe. Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/25/2008 19:00:08 Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 09:11:35 If the air around Earth froze it'd make Earth look like a cube, and then it'd get placed inside an ice cube tray by some celestial being's giant hand. I dunno why, but well, that's just what I heard. [Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator] Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard you suck.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/13/2008 17:46:01 Hello, ugly.
Sorrow Is My Mask (resistanceisfreedom)	Created On: 04/30/2008 13:08:03 You can go fuck yourself. And then go pour another glass of that boring wine. Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): Cheers!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 04/30/2008 06:32:44 Hahaha, shut up Cole-Man!! Or I'll have to serve you with my mean, electric dance moves!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) cookingWine's a party pooper	Created On: 03/26/2008 13:19:49 Edited By Yahaira Nunez (Pez) On: 03/27/2008 07:26:12 Oi, fine... previous comment withdrawn. Just found it funny how you say, or rather type, "... and all that jazz."
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 03/24/2008 09:22:06 Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 09:05:55 Well, if I were sitting on a park bench, waiting on a story, I'd be more like this: [Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator]
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 03/20/2008 07:19:39 ... yeah, I just thought the 'smiley' was cute.
Egoist (Egoist)	Created On: 03/14/2008 17:30:40 Such an awfully...honest guy. As I said before I'd look up to your advice any day. Your comments are one of the first I look for. And don't think it's just your comments, I enjoy your stories as well.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 03/04/2008 07:28:32 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/25/2008 19:52:34 Suck it! [Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator]