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Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page

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Last Online	07/06/2008
Connections	12
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About Myself:

This seems to be a popular topic directed at me, so I'll address it.
Q.
You sure seem to be a know-it-all when you comment, yet you don't do it on your stories. What's the deal?
A.
Simply, I write things the way I like to write them. I think that everyone should do the same. The reason I point out when other people fail at this is because sometimes they aren't aware of it and how disastrous it can be to their story. I, (<--example of something I like to do) know that I am writing badly when I do so, because that is what I enjoy doing and will continue to do so.

The bottom line is that I can help your story become better, conventionally and just to me (but very rarely both, together). If you'd would like that service, I would be happy to do it.

Feel free to let me know of all my shortcomings as a writer, person, or any other facet of my life as you see fit.
I will be the guy grinning on his high horse.
Cheers!
(If you're going to take the time to read something, take the time to give it an intelligent review. A sentence or two of feedback is like giving a nickel tip on a thirty dollar bill.)

Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Jul 3, 2008	Honest Livings.	Miscellaneous Stories	64
Jun 22, 2008	Preferences.	Miscellaneous Stories	59
Jun 14, 2008	Velocity.	Miscellaneous Stories	78
Jun 11, 2008	Coffee Stains, Chapter 2	Miscellaneous Stories	200
Jun 8, 2008	Coffee Stains, Chapter 1	Miscellaneous Stories	444
May 25, 2008	His Favorite Chords.	Miscellaneous Stories	526
Apr 27, 2008	Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.	Miscellaneous Stories	187
Mar 19, 2008	11:11 And 11:12 Can Be Different	Miscellaneous Stories	484
Mar 14, 2008	Drops Of Rain.	Miscellaneous Stories	229
Mar 10, 2008	The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.	Miscellaneous Stories	232
Mar 8, 2008	How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.	Miscellaneous Stories	218
Mar 6, 2008	You Can't Unring A Bell.	Miscellaneous Stories	236
Mar 5, 2008	The Strangest Places.	Miscellaneous Stories	232
Mar 4, 2008	A Man Possessed.	Miscellaneous Stories	194
Mar 2, 2008	There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).	Miscellaneous Stories	217
Feb 28, 2008	It's Free. You Can't Get A Refund.	Miscellaneous Stories	288
Feb 27, 2008	One Is Always Enough.	Miscellaneous Stories	414
Feb 27, 2008	I Guess?	Miscellaneous Stories	251
Feb 26, 2008	Roosters and Lions In Monotone.	Miscellaneous Stories	246

Forum

Last 10 Forum Posts

Date	Subject	Category	Hits
05/27/2008 09:10:25	Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good Intentions	Off-Topic	905
05/26/2008 20:46:26	Comments: Tragedy and Good Intentions	Off-Topic	905
05/21/2008 22:49:20	Re:Favorite Author	Off-Topic	2497
05/20/2008 11:12:23	Re:Writing Tips	Off-Topic	576
05/20/2008 11:11:48	Re:Writing Tips	Off-Topic	576
03/13/2008 23:12:52	Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?	Off-Topic	733
03/01/2008 01:58:42	Re:Appreciate it.	Off-Topic	492
02/29/2008 05:09:48	Appreciate it.	Off-Topic	492

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

Kasi (Kasi elaborated)

Philip Neale (philneale1952)

Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)

JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

Jody (Jody)

tomahawk (tomahawk)

Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)

Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)

Egoist (Egoist)

Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)

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Guestbook

Name	Entry
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) a wasteland	Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00 Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22 whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00 White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32 Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this: >>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote: >>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye. >>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote: >>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you! >>>>>>>CELL wrote: >>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you. >>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote: >>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy? >>>>>CELL wrote: >>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack. >>>>cookingWine wrote: >>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27 My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32 Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22 I heard you don't bathe. Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/25/2008 19:00:08 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/12/2008 14:06:40 to answer your question, if the air around Earth froze it'd look like a cube, and then Subzero Earth would get placed inside an ice cube tray. I dunno why, would definitely eliminate an ice cube tray's purpose, but well, that's just what I heard... you know, just from around... Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard you suck.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 05/13/2008 17:46:01 Hello, ugly.
Sorrow Is My Mask (resistanceisfreedom)	Created On: 04/30/2008 13:08:03 You can go fuck yourself. And then go pour another glass of that boring wine. Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): Cheers!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 04/30/2008 06:32:44 Hahaha, shut up Cole-Man!! Or I'll have to serve you with my mean, electric dance moves!

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: Awakening of Minds (part one)
Date: 2008-06-03 17:48:05

It was so hard for me to get into this.
I've always had a problem as a reader with being impatient. Stories have to justify the means by the ends. I guess the important thing to realize is that this is a multi-parter, so I shouldn't necessarily look at it in a complete state. If I did, the means wouldn't be worth the ends.
The reason I say this is because it's longwinded. The sixth paragraph ("Three years of...") was a journey, like a desert without much water. It seems to be so soaked in concept juice that it lacks in real substance (to me).

The character is really distant. I'm sure we will see more later, but by the end of this excerpt, I'm not cheering, or against, him, and that's a problem.
You gave him something to do, and he created a reason to do it, but there still doesn't seem to be a lot of depth there. I wish I could really show you what I mean, but I've been racking the head trying to figure out how and I can't. I trust it will change in later parts, but one thing a story

Title article: Without Her
Date: 2008-05-26 15:30:40

I'm not really a huge fan of the complaining, whining tone that poetry generally entails.
And this assumes that, to me.

Title article: Orange
Date: 2008-05-26 15:23:53

enough tragedy, instead of piling it on the guy.
Things don't usually resolve with a huge shootout like so many tend to end them with.
Overall, just a very real, believable story.

You stay in your wheelhouse instead of trying to put on the shoes of other authors or anything like that. You seem comfortable telling this story, instead of rehearsed and edited.

My only major problem comes with the choppiness of van shift. There is a great story just in his Home Depot or whatever you called it experience, and I'd almost rather see that than the bit about the van. Of course, this is a writers preference as to how you set things up, but it was rough to me in that regard.

Overall, it left a good taste in my mouth, but wanting more of Starks and experiences involving him.
Keep on keeping on.
-CS.

Title article: Orange
Date: 2008-05-26 15:14:26

e the active narrator. He knows he's telling a story to me, he knows the audience, and he knows it's out there. That's a very enjoyable and relateable trait.
2) He had choices. I was wondering whether it was going to resolve with him getting a better job, how the van scene was going to play into things.
3) I could see him. You don't always need descriptions to make people see characters, and I think you do a very good job of that here.

As for the van guys;
I don't like them. Too cliche in a story that isn't cliche. If you've seen kidnappers on the news or anything, usually, they are just fucked up in the head. They aren't usually people that stand out as scumbags. They don't play a huge role, but it just strikes me as awfully cliche in a story that highlights individualism.

Now to other stuff:
I loved the style. Invested and biased narrator. Wit. Humor. The unsuspected events that follow a college degree. Insightful and very real, as opposed to something unrealistic.

There is just

Title article: Orange
Date: 2008-05-26 15:05:36

That was interesting.
I'll be honest; this is probably going to be a long one.

First, the apparent, grammar issue(s?):
Always separate different speakers with different paragraphs.
Wrong-
"Hi," said Starks. "Hi," I said.
Right-
"Hi," said Starks.
"Hi," I said.

Actually, that's it as far as grammar things. It could have used a few paragraphs splits, but the issue about dialogue should resolve that naturally.

I'll start with the real stuff now:
Characters -
I thought Stark was fantastic if not a little overdone. The catfish in an ice-chest was a bit over the top, but for me, the rest is entirely believable and likable. A dimwit, which I think is synonymous with redneck nowadays, saves the day (and even, takes a position of wisdom in-store, which is a very clever turn). Starks is the kind of character that could fit into a whole novel, for me. Very dimensional. Orientated in a great fashion. There was nothing serious to complain about Starks.

The narrator had a few strengths;
1) I lov

Title article: The Promise
Date: 2008-05-26 14:46:54

I didn't like it.
It was like you put the girl in an avalanche, then crashed a plane into her, then gave her AIDS and anxiety attacks at the same time.

Sometimes, you should try to do more with less rather than not do enough with more.

You need to find a way to separate things rather than just shooting them back and forth automatically. It gets repetitive. A few waves look cool, but nobody sits on a beach for more than an hour still thinking the waves look cool.

Overall;
Way too much going on. The things that are the most simple are the best in life.
And please, for the sake of the future and the other people trying to write and learn from this site,
Ellipses are not a piece of common grammar. Every sentence doesn't warrant an ellipses (which is this ...). Don't use pieces of grammar that don't have relevance and that just destroy flow.
This story seems to be relying too much on outside factors and not enough on overall substance.
I'd take it to the shop and strip it.

Title article: missing
Date: 2008-05-26 09:24:22

Too much going on.
I think you were trying to build a house out of legos and you started trying to build the roof before you put together the walls.
The dialogue seemed unimportant. The characters weren't owning the story, they were just pieces of a story that couldn't turn in any other direction. You need to give them choices to make them alive and give them dynamics besides names.

Title article: Nishith-babu: Small Man in a Large World
Date: 2008-05-26 09:20:34

"He did have a family though, especially a mother..."
That was very good.
"I doubt if he could afford a square meal every day. His appearance proved this beyond a doubt."
That doesn't make sense. You doubt beyond a doubt?
"'Ad...v...v...ice?' I stammered."
That's redundant. Lose the ellipses (...) because that isn't proper use.

The ending didn't do it for me. The journey was way too long to have it end like that. I mean, do things how you want to do them, but this is simply through my goggles.

I liked the idea of a poor Communist lecturer that barks back propaganda on demand.
There was too much going in that story to just kill the guy and change focus.

Keep on.
-CS.

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:08:09

One other thing;
Too much going on.
Think of what you really need to keep to make it still the story you're looking for, and cut it down to that. It seems like you're almost piling things on this already unfortunate existence.

I think I'm given you more than my two cents here, so for the sake of still possessing a bank account for the others, I'll stop donating to charity.

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:06:29

I thought overall, that was a solid job. Strong sentences, strong dialogue.

At the beginning, I felt overrun with information that, I think, turned out to not be entirely unnecessary. I started ghost reading, or looking over the words and then not realizing what I had actually read. That might be a lapse in my attention or it might be a low point in the story.
You should connect the over's that need to be connected.
Overflowing, overrun; all that.
courtesy** - 5th paragraph

The intro paragraph was fantastic. Set a tone and a place and a character in one swoop. I would almost hope the rest of the story would be more like the introduction, but that can't always happen.
'A single quote,' is incorrect here.
"I was talking to Mary, and Mary said, 'A single quote is correct here.' And god damnit, Mary was right."
Use those to separate dialogue within dialogue.
You very rarely will ever need to use ellipses(=...). They are ugly and misconceived, generally.
Keep on keeping on.
-CS.

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