To all the Young Lovers

Dedication: This is for the secret inner couple every...

Love Crawls Down the Drain

I can't believe she broke up with me! After five years...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 5304
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 10/06/2008
Connections 12
Avg Profile Rating
 
About Myself: I think it's awesome that the site automatically bleeps words like shit and fuck but it offers you to review or buy a book called, "Petter Hegre 100 Naked Girls" with a nude on the cover. Slick.

And, by the way, if you really don't think a story (regardless of whether it's mine or not) doesn't come to an end, that means you're reading like a fourth grader. Grow up, put on your big-boy-reader-panties and learn to react to what you're given, because you're always given something, considering words are there.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 103
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 121
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 135
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 172
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 188
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 164
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 120
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 143
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 255
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 529
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 617
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 316
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 543
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 293
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 325
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 306
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 308
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 295
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 254
Mar 2, 2008There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).Miscellaneous Stories 278
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 184

Title article: Social Retard-Nation, Chapter 4
Date: 2008-10-02 12:54:55

Why haven't you continued?

Title article: MELTING IN THE HEAT. (Aids Week, Gambia 2004)
Date: 2008-10-02 12:52:25

I didn't enjoy the man and I learned not to enjoy the woman. 
 
I read it and then I read it out loud and I enjoyed it out loud more. To par with the other works I've read. 
 
I think the most interesting thing about this is that I didn't care whatsoever of the man. Granted, I might naturally follow the females more than the men, but I think in this case, I really despise the woman, deep down, although I know that's not the intention. 
 
It's a good swig, H.

Title article: Acorns Don't Fall Far
Date: 2008-10-02 12:35:20

The difference between them and me is that I'm actually tough. Really, they're stealing that image from me. I think. I saw it on the television so I'm not sure anymore. 
 
Good stuff. It seems to be thought out as far as diction goes, and the style stands out from everybody else. Very solid in that respect. 
It's a complete story which is fairly hard to do as well. 
 
Voice is the most powerful thing a piece can have; not plot or characters or imagery, it's the person we imagine BEHIND the glasses that we fall for. You do a good job of that. 
 
As for something I'd say to critique, I don't really have much (and I usually do).  
I would say that you should really push your voice to an extreme in another story. Hardly develop the action or the characters and just carpet bomb me with obnoxiously obtrusive voice. 
 
Cheers.

Title article: CRAZY (Gambia 2005)
Date: 2008-09-28 19:29:28

I remember reading something about making the reader pause and think with your stories. 
I paused. 
It's quality, unlike Zippos.

Title article: SEIZE THE TIME (Gambia 2008)
Date: 2008-09-28 19:11:41

You know, in any recollection, the reader has to like the narrator. We like voice, we like style, we like observant, and we definitely like this narrator. 
It's a great scene. Truly. Very real and very valid. 
If I said anything about this, it would be to give me more of the bold, intelligent narrator and less of the dead, lifeless pair.

Title article: Of Crows and Men
Date: 2008-09-28 19:06:48

It's solid, DD. Enough substance and not too much. Not much character but there doesn't need to be. 
Entirely enjoyable but not lovable.

Title article: Belle Reve, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-09-28 19:02:36

Chapters are always tough to do right. I think you thought of what an opening chapter should do, because it's almost there, but it just needs a little gas. 
I'm not sure if you intended,  
"...but it was highly unlikely her father would let her," to strike at the heart of the character so well, but this is the kind of substance that fills the gas tank of a first chapter. You've revealed so many things about the character in ten words. It's not filler bullshit. One of K. Vonnegut's pieces of advice to writers was that every sentence should either reveal character and advance the plot. If it's not doing either, the sentence is unnecessary and unrelated to the story. 
I think if you're really taking your writing seriously, you should re-read every sentence and, at least, think about that advice, and tweak accordingly if you think it needs it. 
To me; 
Not a bad job. It's missing something but not too much. 
Give me more substance like the father line to let me know who she is. 
Cheers.

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-08 10:11:59

I'm not saying the purpose is to exploit, just that it comes off the way. 
I'm not asking you to apologize or explain (unless you want to debate merits of some style, etc.), I'm just telling you what I see it as. If you're writing for yourself than you should tell me to shove off and delete these comments, but if you're writing for others, I'm one of them, and even if you don't change anything in this story, you should note it in the future.

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-07 21:58:37

Alright, I'll give my skinny. 
Have you seen Flight 93 (I think it is?)? The Hollywood film based on one of the 9/11 planes? 
I got about five minutes into it and quit. It's not that I don't think it's a tragedy that should be remembered, it's that I think exploiting it for entertainment purposes lacks a certain tact. 
While this piece is different, the driving center story is a tearjerker, and for me, not in a positive way. You beat this character who's given, by means of no background or exterior (B) story, no hope of anything different. 
Bottom line; the average reader knows it's sad. But an ATTENTIVE reader will see it as trying to overwhelm them. 
I guess the choice comes down to who you're appealing to. 
There are things I can nitpick but I'm not going to. 
I think you started in a bad direction and let it careen that way. 
Language isn't bad, no major grammar problems (besides hyphens), but there was very little tangible story (which boils to ability for the character to make decisions.

Title article: A Ticket to Tewkesbury
Date: 2008-09-07 10:53:34

Good luck, chief. 
Don't think you here of many accountants turned writers. Maybe the right-brain got bored of numbers and decided to go tot he party on the left side. 
I don't think I've commented your stories before so I need to do that when I'm less caffeinated.

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... 19 Next > End >>

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1512
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1512
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic4264
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic893
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic893
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic976
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic698
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic698

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/25/2008 19:00:08
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 09:11:35
If the air around Earth froze it'd make Earth look like a cube, and then it'd get placed inside an ice cube tray by some celestial being's giant hand. I dunno why, but well, that's just what I heard.
[Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator]
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard you suck.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/13/2008 17:46:01
Hello, ugly.
Sorrow Is My Mask (resistanceisfreedom)

 Created On: 04/30/2008 13:08:03
You can go fuck yourself. And then go pour another glass of that boring wine.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): Cheers!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 04/30/2008 06:32:44
Hahaha, shut up Cole-Man!!
Or I'll have to serve you with my
mean, electric dance moves!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

cookingWine's a party pooper
 Created On: 03/26/2008 13:19:49
Edited By Yahaira Nunez (Pez) On: 03/27/2008 07:26:12
Oi, fine... previous comment withdrawn.

Just found it funny how you say, or rather type, "... and all that jazz."
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 03/24/2008 09:22:06
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 09:05:55
Well, if I were sitting on a park bench, waiting on a story, I'd be more like this:
[Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator]
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 03/20/2008 07:19:39


... yeah, I just thought the 'smiley' was cute.
Egoist (Egoist)

 Created On: 03/14/2008 17:30:40
Such an awfully...honest guy.

As I said before I'd look up to your advice any day. Your comments are one of the first I look for. And don't think it's just your comments, I enjoy your stories as well.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 03/04/2008 07:28:32
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/25/2008 19:52:34
Suck it!
[Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator]
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