The Lottery

This is the story about Jack and Neal Who shook...

Palin Fever

Have you been watching the vice presidental debates...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 5467
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 10/13/2008
Connections 12
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About Myself: I'm looking for an interesting writer to critique heavily.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Oct 11, 2008A Night After Dinner.Miscellaneous Stories 87
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 107
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 140
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 140
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 178
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 191
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 167
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 123
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 146
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 257
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 534
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 620
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 321
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 551
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 295
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 329
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 310
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 316
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 298
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 259
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: another
Date: 2008-05-23 21:31:09

Okay. And? 
 
I mean, sure. This could happen. But so what? 
 
This is a string of events. There really aren't dynamic characters, just two people going through a tragedy. You didn't give them any choices, or the reader. I felt like I was being talked to, not having a story being told to me. 
 
The best example I can give is when you tell a horror story with the flashlight on your face and all that jazz, the reason they were scary (or were, thanks to 2000's television and violence) the reason it's scary is because the kid goes home and relates it to his life, and in a way, makes the story his own the next time if he retells it. 
Without giving the characters the ability to make decisions with some emotional clout is like telling a kid he's going to get eaten, instead of telling him who's eating him, when he's going to be eaten, where he should suspect it, ect. 
 
Dialogue that is always at the front of a sentence makes the end of the sentence meaningless. 
 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: untitled assignment
Date: 2008-05-23 13:01:14

A pregnant Indian hunter-gatherer who philosophizes, swears, questions, who doesn't know anything but continues on writing a note to herself. 
Native Americans didn't have cash, no. But they bartered, which is essentially the same thing without a representative standard value so I don't know about the bit where she's addressing how trivial money is. 
 
I've always thought it's kind of funny that we die eventually. It's not really fair, to be honest. 
 
I think this had a little of comedy, a little of interesting perspective, a little conflicting knowledge given to us about the character; and overall, I think it was worth reading. And I think I got in too deep for an "untitled assignment". 
Have a good one.

Title article: Gabe & Dianne (chapter 1)
Date: 2008-05-20 13:38:47

The vodka and coke is a strange drink. 
 
You need to take a class in grammar. One piece of advice: read your story out loud to yourself and edit it like that. Where it is longwinded, look to cut sentences or break with a comma. You shouldn't have to breath again before you finish a sentence or it's too long. 
Commas can alleviate that along with dividing sentences. 
 
The dialogue was beyond cheesy. If your friends and you talk like that you need to find new friends because that is the definition of boring chatter. 
 
Don't always start paragraphs with dialogue. It makes for a tough read. 
 
I didn't like it. I like the idea of the ten things list but they aren't interesting things. 
 
You need to find a way to make it yours instead of writing it for someone else, because that's the omnipresent feeling that came with it.

Title article: the Processor-Chapter 1
Date: 2008-05-20 09:23:41

This sounds like an excerpt from gossip girls, if I were to guess. 
For me; 
it's too "And I did this. Then we did this. Then we did that." 
Ellipses (...) don't need to be used that often. It's distracting. 
 
It needs expansion on ideas, not story lines. 
 
At times, it feels like you aren't comfortable typing in those shoes. The short, incomplete sentences don't really accomplish anything and turns them more into a mistake than an expression.  
 
I really had no idea it was even possible to have this; 
",...". 
 
You don't need to tell us when to break. You should drop hints, not flash neon signs. A simple period can do the same job (or, that's when you should be splitting sentences into bursts of incomplete thought). 
 
If you'd like any other opinions, let me know. 
 
Keep on. 
^cs.

Title article: Our Words
Date: 2008-05-20 07:12:02

Very precise language. Definitely the concrete that it was built on, for me. 
 
That has to be the first time I've heard confabulation in practical use, and that kind of represents my whole feeling about it. 
It works for what its intended readership is, but for a non-sophisticate (and to be noted, non-poet) like myself, it strikes as eccentric. 
 
Keep on. 
:cs

Title article: when i was born again
Date: 2008-05-12 12:03:53

I looked at this, and literally sighed. It's really hard to drudge through line after line that have no paragraph splits. It's like if a novel wasn't split into chapters.

Title article: Dude, You Got Your Ass Kicked by a Girl
Date: 2008-05-12 12:01:26

This is kind of like a Rob Scheinder movie. 
I mean, I guess it's funny. It's more like, why did you type this out? 
Tough concept, the guy gets his ass kicked by a girl. Snarf snarf har har. Try and master it a little more instead of just stitching lines of dialogue together sloppily.

Title article: Die Twice
Date: 2008-05-12 11:59:09

Hm. I don't know what to think about this. That is rare for me. 
It's okay. There is nothing remarkable, and nothing remarkably wrong. 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS

Title article: An Activist Studying Chairman Mao's Works
Date: 2008-05-11 20:58:56

The Chinese concept of the state is so dramatically different from us Westerners, and it's so interesting. Mao really embodied that community concept of worship and idolatry of the state. 
I didn't read the whole thing, but I skimmed bits and pieces. 
For whatever reason you're doing it, I hope it's a good time.

Title article: Friday Night
Date: 2008-05-11 20:25:34

Getting high in a forest before playing volleyball. 
I'm pretty sure I've never heard that one on a checklist. I like how it is almost optimistic in a weird way. Besides that, there was nothing that was remarkable (in literal terms).

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1579
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1579
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic4450
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic917
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic917
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic990
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic721
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic721

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

ATX
 Created On: 10/11/2008 11:55:03
You blasphemer. I'm a fan of the second smallest market in the NBA, and our leader has more rings than 24.
BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 09/09/2008 11:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 09/08/2008 13:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 09/03/2008 21:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 21:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
BGM (BGM)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
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