Awakening of Minds (Part One)

So there I was, looking once more at the device on the...

Gabriel Visits

“What do you see when you look out at the...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 4580
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 09/04/2008
Connections 12
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About Myself: I think it's awesome that the site automatically bleeps words like shit and fuck.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 88
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 148
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 156
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 141
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 101
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 120
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 235
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 500
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 594
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 284
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 524
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 271
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 305
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 281
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 287
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 275
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 236
Mar 2, 2008There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).Miscellaneous Stories 261
Feb 28, 2008It's Free. You Can't Get A Refund.Miscellaneous Stories 342
Feb 27, 2008One Is Always Enough.Miscellaneous Stories 456
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Comments

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:24:28

I'm not much for poetry, in knowing technicalities of it or even being able to enjoy it. 
 
But I know a pretty fair amount about structure and content in stories, and boy, you sure do too. 
 
I'll sum it up and say, I really hope you continue to write more stories for simpletons like myself who don't eye the poets. 
 
There is a hell of a scene built here. A real image filled with real substance. Very solid job on that. The best part about your descriptions were that they were involved in the story as opposed to split into a different section. Flow isn't just about word choice, it's about content choice, and this is remarkable in that respect. 
 
As for characters, I don't know them yet. The important part is; I'd like to. Since this is only step one, I feel step two will let me in a little more to them. 
 
It seems like your strength is unleashing relentlessly uncommon diction in a manner that can be related, is enjoyable, and not pretentious or up it's own ass. So fitting word choice is what

Title article: Plutonic Love
Date: 2008-06-12 17:02:28

That was really well done. You connect to your stories very well, and they seem to come entirely from you instead of trying to please someone else. I'd suggest you continue that, because this is quality stuff. 
 
I cared about the character. I really read it for him and was curious to found out how it went. 
I love stories where an average taste is left in your mouth, because they are so identifiable. This is the second one today that has been very real, and that makes the tension so much more believable, and ultimately, enjoyable. 
Thanks for writing this. It was well done. 
Keep on. 
-Cs.

Title article: Battle of Minds (part three)
Date: 2008-06-12 16:48:25

My only real complaint is sticking to the tunes that I've already been humming. This isn't the kind of thing that is typically up my alley, but it's not bad. The character is getting a little more dimensional, but it's going to be hard getting there without slowing down the action. 
The way I like to think about it is when you're sprinting, you can't really gauge how fast other people are going. But if you stop and look at them then, it's much easier to figure out their speed. 
I think the only thing I would ask is that, at some point in the series (earlier, rather than later for the sake of attachment and tension), we slow down so there is a chance at getting to know the character instead of sprinting with him. I hope that makes sense. I'm not quite connected to him yet. 
As far as structure and mechanics, it's fine. There were a few problems but they were really minor and insignificant. 
Sorry it took so long for me to get to part 3. This series takes a commitment. 
Keep on. 
-CS.

Title article: Old Habits Die Hard
Date: 2008-06-12 16:16:30

Eh. I thought it was okay. 
My only problem was that I wasn't sure what you were going for. If I were you, I'd try to define that more, or make it intentionally vague so we know that we don't need to completely get it. 
 
Basically, isn't this a story that could have been wrapped up in three or four paragraphs? 
 
I did like this line: 
"Bill decided that thirty years was long enough, and that it was time to trade one love for a possible other." 
I think that was good, but the rest of the story seemed unremarkable to me. 
The sentences were mechanically fine, but they lacked substance and tension. It seemed to be, "and-then-what-happened" story, which I've never been a huge fan of to begin with. 
 
I think that you're structurally safe, but you aren't going out on a limb enough. Try something a little more demanding than phantom cigarettes and imaginations. 
Saying that, I can't really say anything else.

Title article: Volkswagen full of wasps
Date: 2008-06-12 16:06:34

Okay, wow. 
Let me start with; 
This was EPIC. 
You really have a lot on your mind. There are so many stories started in this, and you refuse to start one. I would usually say that it's WAY too much going on, but somehow, I'm comfortable with just going on the ride. It feels like you're almost saying, "fuck this, I refuse to tell a complete story." I'm digging that. 
 
That was some of the most colorful imagery and vivid storytelling I've ever heard. It was very real, like it was being told by someone who is absolutely fucking eccentric and ridiculous. 
 
I don't know if I want this refined, if I want it to stay the same, or if I want it to expand. I really don't, and that's rare. 
 
"...the time when Brian Blessed used Jennifer Saunders vulva as a face tent to avoid paying for a camping pitch in Norfolk," 
I mean, Jesus Christ. Where the hell does that come from? A face tent? 
That must have been really good coke, honestly. 
I'm going to read more from you, and I hope it's like this. 
Keep on. 
-CS

Title article: Make Profits not Ethics
Date: 2008-06-11 17:12:50

Yes, corporate greed is. But corporations are also what has elevated us to a comparatively high standard of living so there are tradeoffs that you have to look at when analyzing these things. 
Health insurers don't need to make as much money as they do. 
Oil doesn't need to make as much money as it does. 
But they do, and this is something that has to be accepted because you can't enforce laws on big business without expanding government and limiting freedoms. 
 
If you really want to go down with these people, it means to stop using their services. And if you're online, you're probably using a service provided through a major corporation.

Title article: Purple Haze
Date: 2008-06-11 16:46:20

Apologies. I'm used to seeing you under the resistanceisfreedom tag. Comment, in spirit, withdrawn.

Title article: Purple Haze
Date: 2008-06-11 11:55:00

War stories aren't my bag but Jimi Hendrix is so I felt compelled to comment something on this. 
There is never an excuse to not use the right punctuation. A good way to learn how is to read your story out loud, find where you need breaks and splits, then use commas and split sentences accordingly.

Title article: Unexisted, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-08 16:13:17

Erm. Episode of Gossip Girls?

Title article: The Dog and I
Date: 2008-06-07 17:06:50

I like the line about behaving casually in the third or fourth paragraph. Hilarious and very distinct. 
The language struck me as pretentious at times. 
Overall, I liked it. I think you're talented.

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1358
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1358
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic3737
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic790
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic790
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic899
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic642
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic642

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/03/2008 21:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 21:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22
I heard you don't bathe.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/25/2008 19:00:08
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/12/2008 14:06:40
to answer your question, if the air around Earth froze it'd look like a cube, and then Subzero Earth would get placed inside an ice cube tray. I dunno why, would definitely eliminate an ice cube tray's purpose, but well, that's just what I heard... you know, just from around...
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard you suck.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/13/2008 17:46:01
Hello, ugly.
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