Her Magic Touch, Chapter 1

She's not very attractive. No, that isn't quite...

I Will Lay In Vain

I Will Lay In Vain The sun...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 5450
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 10/12/2008
Connections 12
Avg Profile Rating
 
About Myself: I'm looking for an interesting writer to critique heavily.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Oct 11, 2008A Night After Dinner.Miscellaneous Stories 70
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 107
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 137
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 139
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 175
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 190
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 167
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 123
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 146
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 257
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 534
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 619
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 321
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 548
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 294
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 329
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 310
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 316
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 298
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 258
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 187

Title article: An Affair With Darkness
Date: 2008-10-11 13:34:00

This was different than your usual in terms of focus. Usually your focus is on character as opposed to action but this seemed to be about 90 percent action tied to 10 percent character. 
But still, not bad. 
I have seen better from you but this was not bad. I like different. 
I didn't even know I was reading a D.D.

Title article: Stay Back
Date: 2008-10-11 13:28:09

You're a funny dude. 
Basketball season is coming and I don't remember whether you were a Pistons or Celtics fan but either way, the Lakers are coming for you.

Title article: MELTING IN THE HEAT. (Aids Week, Gambia 2004)
Date: 2008-10-02 12:52:25

I didn't enjoy the man and I learned not to enjoy the woman. 
 
I read it and then I read it out loud and I enjoyed it out loud more. To par with the other works I've read. 
 
I think the most interesting thing about this is that I didn't care whatsoever of the man. Granted, I might naturally follow the females more than the men, but I think in this case, I really despise the woman, deep down, although I know that's not the intention. 
 
It's a good swig, H.

Title article: Acorns Don't Fall Far
Date: 2008-10-02 12:35:20

The difference between them and me is that I'm actually tough. Really, they're stealing that image from me. I think. I saw it on the television so I'm not sure anymore. 
 
Good stuff. It seems to be thought out as far as diction goes, and the style stands out from everybody else. Very solid in that respect. 
It's a complete story which is fairly hard to do as well. 
 
Voice is the most powerful thing a piece can have; not plot or characters or imagery, it's the person we imagine BEHIND the glasses that we fall for. You do a good job of that. 
 
As for something I'd say to critique, I don't really have much (and I usually do).  
I would say that you should really push your voice to an extreme in another story. Hardly develop the action or the characters and just carpet bomb me with obnoxiously obtrusive voice. 
 
Cheers.

Title article: CRAZY (Gambia 2005)
Date: 2008-09-28 19:29:28

I remember reading something about making the reader pause and think with your stories. 
I paused. 
It's quality, unlike Zippos.

Title article: SEIZE THE TIME (Gambia 2008)
Date: 2008-09-28 19:11:41

You know, in any recollection, the reader has to like the narrator. We like voice, we like style, we like observant, and we definitely like this narrator. 
It's a great scene. Truly. Very real and very valid. 
If I said anything about this, it would be to give me more of the bold, intelligent narrator and less of the dead, lifeless pair.

Title article: Of Crows and Men
Date: 2008-09-28 19:06:48

It's solid, DD. Enough substance and not too much. Not much character but there doesn't need to be. 
Entirely enjoyable but not lovable.

Title article: Belle Reve, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-09-28 19:02:36

Chapters are always tough to do right. I think you thought of what an opening chapter should do, because it's almost there, but it just needs a little gas. 
I'm not sure if you intended,  
"...but it was highly unlikely her father would let her," to strike at the heart of the character so well, but this is the kind of substance that fills the gas tank of a first chapter. You've revealed so many things about the character in ten words. It's not filler bullshit. One of K. Vonnegut's pieces of advice to writers was that every sentence should either reveal character and advance the plot. If it's not doing either, the sentence is unnecessary and unrelated to the story. 
I think if you're really taking your writing seriously, you should re-read every sentence and, at least, think about that advice, and tweak accordingly if you think it needs it. 
To me; 
Not a bad job. It's missing something but not too much. 
Give me more substance like the father line to let me know who she is. 
Cheers.

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-08 10:11:59

I'm not saying the purpose is to exploit, just that it comes off the way. 
I'm not asking you to apologize or explain (unless you want to debate merits of some style, etc.), I'm just telling you what I see it as. If you're writing for yourself than you should tell me to shove off and delete these comments, but if you're writing for others, I'm one of them, and even if you don't change anything in this story, you should note it in the future.

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-07 21:58:37

Alright, I'll give my skinny. 
Have you seen Flight 93 (I think it is?)? The Hollywood film based on one of the 9/11 planes? 
I got about five minutes into it and quit. It's not that I don't think it's a tragedy that should be remembered, it's that I think exploiting it for entertainment purposes lacks a certain tact. 
While this piece is different, the driving center story is a tearjerker, and for me, not in a positive way. You beat this character who's given, by means of no background or exterior (B) story, no hope of anything different. 
Bottom line; the average reader knows it's sad. But an ATTENTIVE reader will see it as trying to overwhelm them. 
I guess the choice comes down to who you're appealing to. 
There are things I can nitpick but I'm not going to. 
I think you started in a bad direction and let it careen that way. 
Language isn't bad, no major grammar problems (besides hyphens), but there was very little tangible story (which boils to ability for the character to make decisions.

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... 19 Next > End >>

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1575
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1575
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic4418
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic917
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic917
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic987
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic717
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic717

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Guestbook


Name Entry
JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

ATX
 Created On: 10/11/2008 11:55:03
You blasphemer. I'm a fan of the second smallest market in the NBA, and our leader has more rings than 24.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/09/2008 11:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/08/2008 13:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/03/2008 21:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 21:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Pictures

Picture/Images uploaded by the member



No Items published in this profile gallery
 

Favorites

Total number of favourites: 1

Title 
»  Volkswagen full of wasps


Remove Ads