The Book Cellar

The Book Cellar April walked out to her...

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Author's note:- At 3,000 words this submission is...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 4308
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Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 08/21/2008
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About Myself: I'm good at telling people what I like and don't like about their writing. It's a free service from me if you ask and show tangible interest in the works of others on this site.
You should comment on others things with something real to tell them, feedback, criticism, WHY you enjoyed/didn't enjoy instead of just IF you did or not.

Besides these things;
I hate the credits system on this site.
I write with bad punctuation on occasion because that's how I want it to sound if you speak out the sentences instead of read them. I know it's wrong.

I'd recommend a few authors from here as genuinely good authors and examples in how to do certain things, and here are the links to their pages:

Very good character development -
http://www.storiesville.com/d.dasgupta
(A nobody named somebody)

Relentlessly uncommon word choice (without sounding pretentious or forced) / good storytelling -
http://www.storiesville.com/Kasi elaborated
(The Invention of Uncertainty)

And just plain funny/original-
http://www.storiesville.com/JJtyler
(A Bad Answer For Writer's Block)

And for most things, including masturbation and partial insanity-

http://www.storiesville.com/content/view/1853/65/


I'll think of more later, but those are the ones I think very highly of.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 516
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 225
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Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 230
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 261
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 580
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 118
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 271
Feb 27, 2008I Guess?Miscellaneous Stories 288
Feb 28, 2008It's Free. You Can't Get A Refund.Miscellaneous Stories 331
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Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 92
Feb 26, 2008Roosters and Lions In Monotone.Miscellaneous Stories 268
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 266
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 292
Mar 2, 2008There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).Miscellaneous Stories 254
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 137
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 120
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 112
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 172

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-07-20 21:44:17

I think this is a step up from the first chapter in a few ways, or at least, a step in a different direction. 
Either way, a good one. 
I'd be wary of getting into the novel idea of a story. This doesn't have the making of a novel so far, too quickly developing. 
Keep it at this pace, actionwise, and I think you'll be set. 
I like where it's going and I'll keep up with it, as long as you keep up the strong word choice and the solid story building. 
Keep on. 
-CS

Title article: Closer Raisa, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-07-20 21:31:10

I get lost in stories like this. Definitely nothing towards the offensive end of comments here, the murder/mystery/badass stories aren't really my niche. 
I touched and skimmed over bits and it looks pretty tight as far as grammar/words go, which is rare, but the way that it closes out in almost exactly the same way and place as the first chapter closed out. Might work for some, not so much for me. 
Keep on keeping on, Brooke.

Title article: A nobody called somebody
Date: 2008-06-29 10:55:21

Man, you're very good. Really good. One of the better writers on this site good. 
 
EVERYTHING I've read from you is so real it it's own rite, if not for me, than I'm sure for millions of others. 
 
Remarkable characters.  
I usually have a mouthful to say about everything I read, but I'm speechless. Not speechless like, I'm in a strip joint speechless, but speechless like I just watched an orchestra. I couldn't possibly comment on the quality or content of their music simply because I'm not at that level. 
 
Cheers. I'll be back for more. 
Keep on. 
-cs.

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:37:01

ter without doing it blatantly. Since you seem to work more in the sublime than the outrageous, I think that would be a good trait for you to develop. 
“Josiah, don’t leave us here” I shouted. “ I need to speak with the others, you and Ella come with me.” 
 
Where's the excitement or the tension there? When I read that, I imagine a monotone speaker like a bad actor in an elementary school play. Going through the motions as opposed to owning it. 
 
I'm not going to try and dictate your style, that's all you, but things like incomplete sentences and line spacing can really help create tension and urgency in dialogue. 
 
Well, that's about all I have to say here. As always with my comments, you can tell me to fuck off via comment or what have you. Just throwing my two cents in. 
Or if you want more, tips on specifics or anything, throw me a message and I don't mind continuing. 
Bottom line; if you continue, I'd like to see more. 
Keep on. 
-cs.

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:31:45

I'm rooting for here. 
 
Hm. 
 
I like how the action wasn't over-the-top. It was subtle enough that it could be secondary to the descriptions and the setting, which is a change in focus that I like. 
 
The dialogue is the only thing that I can point and wag my finger at. There are many ways to do it, but one of the universal rules of dialogue is that it implies more than it says. In a story, you have to convey facial expressions, tones, mannerisms, everything into a " ... ". The way you do this is by splitting different speakers into different paragraphs, using punctuation to create the natural space that comes in conversation or speaking, and ultimately, highlighting what's important. I think you need to be more aware of what the characters are saying and why they are saying it, and making us pay attention to it instead of hiding in a paragraph. Split it! Give it it's own! Even if you don't want to base the story on dialogue, it's still one of the most powerful tools in describing a charac

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:24:28

I'm not much for poetry, in knowing technicalities of it or even being able to enjoy it. 
 
But I know a pretty fair amount about structure and content in stories, and boy, you sure do too. 
 
I'll sum it up and say, I really hope you continue to write more stories for simpletons like myself who don't eye the poets. 
 
There is a hell of a scene built here. A real image filled with real substance. Very solid job on that. The best part about your descriptions were that they were involved in the story as opposed to split into a different section. Flow isn't just about word choice, it's about content choice, and this is remarkable in that respect. 
 
As for characters, I don't know them yet. The important part is; I'd like to. Since this is only step one, I feel step two will let me in a little more to them. 
 
It seems like your strength is unleashing relentlessly uncommon diction in a manner that can be related, is enjoyable, and not pretentious or up it's own ass. So fitting word choice is what

Title article: Plutonic Love
Date: 2008-06-12 17:02:28

That was really well done. You connect to your stories very well, and they seem to come entirely from you instead of trying to please someone else. I'd suggest you continue that, because this is quality stuff. 
 
I cared about the character. I really read it for him and was curious to found out how it went. 
I love stories where an average taste is left in your mouth, because they are so identifiable. This is the second one today that has been very real, and that makes the tension so much more believable, and ultimately, enjoyable. 
Thanks for writing this. It was well done. 
Keep on. 
-Cs.

Title article: Battle of Minds (part three)
Date: 2008-06-12 16:48:25

My only real complaint is sticking to the tunes that I've already been humming. This isn't the kind of thing that is typically up my alley, but it's not bad. The character is getting a little more dimensional, but it's going to be hard getting there without slowing down the action. 
The way I like to think about it is when you're sprinting, you can't really gauge how fast other people are going. But if you stop and look at them then, it's much easier to figure out their speed. 
I think the only thing I would ask is that, at some point in the series (earlier, rather than later for the sake of attachment and tension), we slow down so there is a chance at getting to know the character instead of sprinting with him. I hope that makes sense. I'm not quite connected to him yet. 
As far as structure and mechanics, it's fine. There were a few problems but they were really minor and insignificant. 
Sorry it took so long for me to get to part 3. This series takes a commitment. 
Keep on. 
-CS.

Title article: Old Habits Die Hard
Date: 2008-06-12 16:16:30

Eh. I thought it was okay. 
My only problem was that I wasn't sure what you were going for. If I were you, I'd try to define that more, or make it intentionally vague so we know that we don't need to completely get it. 
 
Basically, isn't this a story that could have been wrapped up in three or four paragraphs? 
 
I did like this line: 
"Bill decided that thirty years was long enough, and that it was time to trade one love for a possible other." 
I think that was good, but the rest of the story seemed unremarkable to me. 
The sentences were mechanically fine, but they lacked substance and tension. It seemed to be, "and-then-what-happened" story, which I've never been a huge fan of to begin with. 
 
I think that you're structurally safe, but you aren't going out on a limb enough. Try something a little more demanding than phantom cigarettes and imaginations. 
Saying that, I can't really say anything else.

Title article: Volkswagen full of wasps
Date: 2008-06-12 16:06:34

Okay, wow. 
Let me start with; 
This was EPIC. 
You really have a lot on your mind. There are so many stories started in this, and you refuse to start one. I would usually say that it's WAY too much going on, but somehow, I'm comfortable with just going on the ride. It feels like you're almost saying, "fuck this, I refuse to tell a complete story." I'm digging that. 
 
That was some of the most colorful imagery and vivid storytelling I've ever heard. It was very real, like it was being told by someone who is absolutely fucking eccentric and ridiculous. 
 
I don't know if I want this refined, if I want it to stay the same, or if I want it to expand. I really don't, and that's rare. 
 
"...the time when Brian Blessed used Jennifer Saunders vulva as a face tent to avoid paying for a camping pitch in Norfolk," 
I mean, Jesus Christ. Where the hell does that come from? A face tent? 
That must have been really good coke, honestly. 
I'm going to read more from you, and I hope it's like this. 
Keep on. 
-CS

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Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1206
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1206
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic3310
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic723
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic723
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic845
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic607
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic607

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
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Name Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22
I heard you don't bathe.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/25/2008 19:00:08
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/12/2008 14:06:40
to answer your question, if the air around Earth froze it'd look like a cube, and then Subzero Earth would get placed inside an ice cube tray. I dunno why, would definitely eliminate an ice cube tray's purpose, but well, that's just what I heard... you know, just from around...
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard you suck.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/13/2008 17:46:01
Hello, ugly.
Sorrow Is My Mask (resistanceisfreedom)

 Created On: 04/30/2008 13:08:03
You can go fuck yourself. And then go pour another glass of that boring wine.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): Cheers!
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