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Here's a story that I wrote for my daughter. She...

"Emergency, which service do you require...

J.J (soulwriter) Profile Page

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Member Since	04/24/2008
Last Online	12/30/2008
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Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Nov 20, 2008	The Shame of You	Poetry	81
Nov 12, 2008	Scene of the Setting Sun	Poetry	89
Nov 10, 2008	Show Me My Way Out, Kind Sirs	Poetry	76
Aug 4, 2008	Catching madness without losin' It	Poetry	178
Jul 15, 2008	Two Sides of the Spectrum	Miscellaneous Stories	162
Jul 14, 2008	Imagination Encircles The World	Poetry	230
Jul 13, 2008	Her Most Loyal Man	Poetry	194
Jul 6, 2008	That One Perfect Chord	Poetry	189
Jul 3, 2008	Whistlin' Past the Graveyard	Poetry	232
Jul 2, 2008	Everything You Can Think	Poetry	171
Jun 30, 2008	Building Steam with a Grain of God	Poetry	299
Jun 28, 2008	In a Sentimental Mood	Poetry	143
Jun 28, 2008	Self-Portrait in Three Colors	Poetry	135
Jun 26, 2008	What goes on in the suburban streets	Poetry	147
Jun 24, 2008	It's the Money	Poetry	157
Jun 24, 2008	She and she alone	Poetry	144
Jun 21, 2008	Watching the dreamers	Poetry	137
Jun 17, 2008	Something about confusion	Poetry	148
Jun 14, 2008	Though it was only dreaming, it stayed with me (poem)	Poetry	109
Jun 13, 2008	The Passenger (a poem)	Poetry	133

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Comments

Total number of comments: 36

Title article: Show Me My Way Out, Kind Sirs
Date: 2008-11-10 16:09:17

Here, there, and everywhere.

Title article: Why
Date: 2008-07-15 06:39:52

These lines make no sense to me, I'm afraid -

Shuttle cock and loom (loom isn't a noun, and why are you bringing badminton into it?)

Consume the drum is beating boldly (the drum is called Comsume?)

I'm guessing this poem is about the doom that greed and evil will bring, resulting in war, yeah? And this "simple soul" is the way to be? Why speak about pigs in a sty? Are they supposed to represent the "moneyed faces" as the "simple soul" sees them?

It's okay, but again, those lines are somewhat fluffed.

Title article: Imagination Encircles The World
Date: 2008-07-14 18:03:17

Believe me, I need periods...like a woman needs wet dreams. Ahahaha...I made a pun.

Title article: Her Most Loyal Man
Date: 2008-07-14 15:38:21

"his love" - it means as in she is his love - he's referring to her as "his love". He thinks he is in love with her, and calls her his love, as in "his one true love".

Title article: Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.
Date: 2008-07-13 19:19:35

Yeah, just a moment in someone's life, these two young people surrounded by the old. I really liked how the old guys kept harassing him, like he'd entered their territory.

You're a really good writer, you don't need gimmicks like shock endings or any obviously exciting plot device to make your story gripping (but in a relaxed way...if that makes sense)

Title article: Her Most Loyal Man
Date: 2008-07-13 19:07:37

Damn, can't seem to fix it.

By the by, I should say that the guy in the poem isn't me.

Title article: To Whom It May Concern
Date: 2008-07-13 16:28:35

Wow. Good insight into the sort of nature and personality that leads to that kind of stuff.

Maybe you should make it longer and add in speific incidents that made the guy so disillusioned.

Title article: Secret Wars
Date: 2008-07-06 09:47:33

Quite a likeable poem, flows well. There are a few mistakes - using "your" instead of "you're" and not capitalizing "I". Also, there are a few lines that don't really work - the aforementioned "that constantly screams,patient" - are you saying the crowd is calling him a mental patient, i.e. insane?
"it has boggled your memory" - you're thinking of "mind-boggling" and trying to use it to say "ruined your memory", that doesn't quite fit.

Title article: Testing My Pencil
Date: 2008-07-06 09:40:29

That's a pretty original piece of writing, probably the first time I've seen someone ask his pencil's opinion (at least, without there being some ingestion of LSD or something similar beforehand). Well done.

Title article: Just another point of view
Date: 2008-07-03 03:42:30

Wow. The sins of the father is a pretty unique topic for a poem, and you've done it well, except maybe the inclusion of the phrase "Daft bastard" doesn't quite suit the tone of the poem, being slightly more informal than the rest.

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