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(Author's note: It's the first chapter to an attempt...

Chapter 1 The year was 2003, the country was killing...

Jeremy (jcox21) Profile Page

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Member Since	08/08/2007
Last Online	10/12/2008
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Total number of comments: 8

Title article: The Mexican Lasagna Incident
Date: 2008-08-06 09:56:11

Pretty Good
I laughed, more than once. That means this piece did its job. I wanted to read more of it, though. You should make it longer, extend the plot somehow. Maybe your characters have an important event to attend, who knows. Myself, I'd add two more characters, friends, who were invited to the dinner; have all four of them suffer the wrath of the mexican lasagna.
I don't think your title could be any better. Its perfect - I even laughed at the title itself.

Title article: E.M.P, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-08-01 08:41:19

Change the tense
One suggestion I can offer is to change the tense out of the present and into past.

Title article: THE FIRE
Date: 2008-08-01 07:32:28

Has Potential
You write rather well, but I notice your style never branches sentences out with commas, describing them more, giving us mental breaks and more detail; I recommend it, but keep in mind to stick with your own style, as every writer should.
Your descriptions are pretty good; I never felt lost or that I did not know what was going on. I would liked to have seen more comparisons. I did see a few errors, tense-wise, here and there.
I'd sure like to know where this story is going. Good work.

Title article: The Letter
Date: 2008-07-22 12:45:51

Not too bad, I can see it has the potential to be more. It seems to me like something is missing from the plot, as if there should be other circumstances taking place, making things more interesting and complicated. Throw another few thousands words at it.
The ending is nicely hidden. I think the title is fair, but seems like there could be a better one. And it's so sad and depressing its almost too much.

Title article: Ricky - The Early Years - Rosemary, Chapter 19
Date: 2008-07-22 12:25:52

Needs Work
Unfortunately, it is not easy to come up with much for positive feedback here. I did like the part in the beginning about the kid trying to pee in privacy, that was funny, and writing humorously is not easy in the least.
Now, I don't want to rain on your parade, but there is a lot of problems here. There isn't a plot that I can see, which is not a good thing. And quite honestly, I couldn't bare to read straight through because of that lisp you incorporated so heavily. You laid it on way to thick. Mostly I had to skim to the end.
This story needs to have a plot, something that is happening and why. Keep at it.

Title article: All Liquid Diet
Date: 2008-07-22 11:04:10

A good start
What you've got is solid, but I would put it at a level far away from a final draft. You need to expand on what you have, introduce one or two more characters and incorporate some dialogue. There are many places you could go with this; you could write a scene where she goes to the grocery store (basically to buy nothing), or maybe introduce a stressful conversation with a close friend/relative where she is confronted (keeping your ending-which is stunning and amazing by the way-still hidden).
It could have a much better title and several more descriptive comparisons-it was as if and so forth, it was like and etc.
It flows nicely. I understand what's going on and am never confused (I see that all the time elsewhere). It's a good idea for a story and it is person-oriented, rather than a story that focuses on events that are taking place. Reminds me of something I would see in The New Yorker.

Title article: The Little Fisherman
Date: 2007-08-09 09:07:32

Too short, but it did make me laugh and that was the point.

Title article: The Key Hole
Date: 2007-08-09 08:42:36

I have little doubt that you have potential as a writer after reviewing this work. I enjoyed several of your comparisons and descriptions, and I like your title a lot. As for the stuff I didn't like, first of all it was too short - only about a grand in my word count. Use your imagination and triple that number at least. I know it's a short story, but you shoot out the information about the history of the room too fast. And it is kind of tough to follow, the other comments were right about that. Read it over again several times and comb through it with as much of a first time readers perspective as you can. Maybe put the story away for a week or two and look at it with fresh eyes. My main advice is to work with the theme and make it more interesting because the bad/evil/mysterious hotel bit has been used many times. Personally I would make the main character special in some way, perhaps in his abilities or profession. You could do anything with it of course. Maybe he's an investigative priest sent from the Vatican who knows. Good luck and keep at it.

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