Short Stories | Storiesville.com - Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)

The rain had finally stopped. After two days of...

The parakeet gazed longingly out the open window from...

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page

Hits	4647
Online Status	OFFLINE
Member Since	02/26/2008
Last Online	09/07/2008
Connections	12
Avg Profile Rating

About Myself:

I think it's awesome that the site automatically bleeps words like shit and fuck.

Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Aug 23, 2008	Life As He Knew It.	Miscellaneous Stories	98
Jul 20, 2008	Under The Stars.	Miscellaneous Stories	151
Jul 11, 2008	Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.	Miscellaneous Stories	160
Jul 3, 2008	Honest Livings.	Miscellaneous Stories	146
Jun 22, 2008	Preferences.	Miscellaneous Stories	105
Jun 14, 2008	Velocity.	Miscellaneous Stories	123
Jun 11, 2008	Coffee Stains, Chapter 2	Miscellaneous Stories	240
Jun 8, 2008	Coffee Stains, Chapter 1	Miscellaneous Stories	505
May 25, 2008	His Favorite Chords.	Miscellaneous Stories	597
Apr 27, 2008	Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.	Miscellaneous Stories	286
Mar 19, 2008	11:11 And 11:12 Can Be Different	Miscellaneous Stories	526
Mar 14, 2008	Drops Of Rain.	Miscellaneous Stories	273
Mar 10, 2008	The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.	Miscellaneous Stories	306
Mar 8, 2008	How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.	Miscellaneous Stories	283
Mar 6, 2008	You Can't Unring A Bell.	Miscellaneous Stories	288
Mar 5, 2008	The Strangest Places.	Miscellaneous Stories	277
Mar 4, 2008	A Man Possessed.	Miscellaneous Stories	238
Mar 2, 2008	There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).	Miscellaneous Stories	262
Feb 28, 2008	It's Free. You Can't Get A Refund.	Miscellaneous Stories	346
Feb 27, 2008	One Is Always Enough.	Miscellaneous Stories	458

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Total number of comments: 176

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-07 21:58:37

Alright, I'll give my skinny.
Have you seen Flight 93 (I think it is?)? The Hollywood film based on one of the 9/11 planes?
I got about five minutes into it and quit. It's not that I don't think it's a tragedy that should be remembered, it's that I think exploiting it for entertainment purposes lacks a certain tact.
While this piece is different, the driving center story is a tearjerker, and for me, not in a positive way. You beat this character who's given, by means of no background or exterior (B) story, no hope of anything different.
Bottom line; the average reader knows it's sad. But an ATTENTIVE reader will see it as trying to overwhelm them.
I guess the choice comes down to who you're appealing to.
There are things I can nitpick but I'm not going to.
I think you started in a bad direction and let it careen that way.
Language isn't bad, no major grammar problems (besides hyphens), but there was very little tangible story (which boils to ability for the character to make decisions.

Title article: A Ticket to Tewkesbury
Date: 2008-09-07 10:53:34

Good luck, chief.
Don't think you here of many accountants turned writers. Maybe the right-brain got bored of numbers and decided to go tot he party on the left side.
I don't think I've commented your stories before so I need to do that when I'm less caffeinated.

Title article: Social Retard-Nation, Chapter 3
Date: 2008-09-01 23:04:30

I've never been much for twists, they tend to make me mad, not anxious.
I didn't enjoy this chapter as much as the first two. It felt more forced than natural.
Good point on the self-glorification.
Still solid language and it was written well, it just didn't have the supporting cast of wit and character dynamic that made the first two so good.

Title article: Social Retard-Nation, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-09-01 22:59:15

"Stinky Flower, That was rude,"
That was a truly great establishing line. You introducted Ros really well in Chapter one and that just ties the knot. More of you showing through too, which is always a good thing.
It's cheery.
That was great, purposeful dialogue at the end. Ennui challenging Ros shows that Ros isn't the tough, dismissive, no horseplay kind of girl that you made her up to be.
I think you're really good at developing characters and I think you're phenomenal at using dialogue (Except when it gets a bit too wordy with Ennui at the end considering you called him sluggish and depleted earlier).
The language reads as very natural besides that.
Solid work.

Title article: Social Retard-Nation, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-09-01 22:53:05

I'm getting so tired of people on this site saying that things don't go anywhere. Just because there isn't a car crash and nobody is turned into a vampire and there hasn't been gunshots doesn't mean there is no plot evolution.
Juttafannypackomega, this is good. Contrary to what I read on the comments, I think you did a pretty bad job at showing us a schoolgirls conversation. Does anyone know a schoolgirl that calls someone "foul"? No, no, no, that is pure Jutta talking, you Roz you. Daisy was uncomfortable to read, Roz was a mirror image of you, at least, when you aren't a fannypack.

The story goes somewhere because it's chapter one. You started without knowing anything, and at the end of the chapter, you know two characters fairly well, you know the tone of the story, and you have a setting that will change.
?????
Now, what part of that isn't getting somewhere?

Title article: WET AND DRY (Gambia 1999)
Date: 2008-08-25 16:53:12

A bit of what dasgupta was saying, and I'll throw something in there from me too.
Didn't do much for me. I see where you were going, and I think you did that as well as it could have been done.
Obviously, non-fiction doesn't permit to much license in that regard. I'm picturing fiction and I shouldn't.
Well, good luck, Samba.

Title article: Bittersweet Soldering
Date: 2008-08-25 16:47:22

Eh.
To me, it felt like a bailout. Something completely boring and normal and plain and you tried to make it different by throwing in a crying, loving, self-lover.

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-07-20 21:44:17

I think this is a step up from the first chapter in a few ways, or at least, a step in a different direction.
Either way, a good one.
I'd be wary of getting into the novel idea of a story. This doesn't have the making of a novel so far, too quickly developing.
Keep it at this pace, actionwise, and I think you'll be set.
I like where it's going and I'll keep up with it, as long as you keep up the strong word choice and the solid story building.
Keep on.
-CS

Title article: Closer Raisa, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-07-20 21:31:10

I get lost in stories like this. Definitely nothing towards the offensive end of comments here, the murder/mystery/badass stories aren't really my niche.
I touched and skimmed over bits and it looks pretty tight as far as grammar/words go, which is rare, but the way that it closes out in almost exactly the same way and place as the first chapter closed out. Might work for some, not so much for me.
Keep on keeping on, Brooke.

Title article: A nobody called somebody
Date: 2008-06-29 10:55:21

Man, you're very good. Really good. One of the better writers on this site good.

EVERYTHING I've read from you is so real it it's own rite, if not for me, than I'm sure for millions of others.

Remarkable characters.
I usually have a mouthful to say about everything I read, but I'm speechless. Not speechless like, I'm in a strip joint speechless, but speechless like I just watched an orchestra. I couldn't possibly comment on the quality or content of their music simply because I'm not at that level.

Cheers. I'll be back for more.
Keep on.
-cs.

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 3 4 5 6 ... 18 Next > End >>

Forum

Last 10 Forum Posts

Date	Subject	Category	Hits
05/27/2008 09:10:25	Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good Intentions	Off-Topic	1377
05/26/2008 20:46:26	Comments: Tragedy and Good Intentions	Off-Topic	1377
05/21/2008 22:49:20	Re:Favorite Author	Off-Topic	3781
05/20/2008 11:12:23	Re:Writing Tips	Off-Topic	804
05/20/2008 11:11:48	Re:Writing Tips	Off-Topic	804
03/13/2008 23:12:52	Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?	Off-Topic	903
03/01/2008 01:58:42	Re:Appreciate it.	Off-Topic	646
02/29/2008 05:09:48	Appreciate it.	Off-Topic	646

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)

Philip Neale (philneale1952)

Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)

JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

Jody (Jody)

tomahawk (tomahawk)

Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)

Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)

Egoist (Egoist)

Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)

<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Guestbook

Name	Entry
Sorrow Is My Mask (resistanceisfreedom)	Created On: 04/30/2008 13:08:03 You can go fuck yourself. And then go pour another glass of that boring wine. Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): Cheers!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 04/30/2008 06:32:44 Hahaha, shut up Cole-Man!! Or I'll have to serve you with my mean, electric dance moves!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) cookingWine's a party pooper	Created On: 03/26/2008 13:19:49 Edited By Yahaira Nunez (Pez) On: 03/27/2008 07:26:12 Oi, fine... previous comment withdrawn. Just found it funny how you say, or rather type, "... and all that jazz."
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 03/24/2008 09:22:06 Edited By Yahaira Nunez (Pez) On: 03/24/2008 09:22:44 Well, if I were sitting on a park bench, waiting on a story, I'd be more like this: Yaaa...
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 03/20/2008 07:19:39 ... yeah, I just thought the 'smiley' was cute.
Egoist (Egoist)	Created On: 03/14/2008 17:30:40 Such an awfully...honest guy. As I said before I'd look up to your advice any day. Your comments are one of the first I look for. And don't think it's just your comments, I enjoy your stories as well.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)	Created On: 03/04/2008 07:28:32 Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/25/2008 19:52:34 Suck it! [Notice: Last Edit by Site Moderator]