Triple the Trouble, Chapter 1

Triple the Trouble A Cynical Chick Flick...

Giuseppe Mahldolvi

Peppe walked each day to a bench located at the...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 6484
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 01/07/2009
Connections 12
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About Myself: I'm looking for an interesting writer to critique heavily.
(story about thek nuckleballer)

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Oct 31, 2008A Passing Strangeness.Miscellaneous Stories 96
Oct 11, 2008A Night After Dinner.Miscellaneous Stories 194
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 162
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 225
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 193
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 225
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 233
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 199
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 159
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 173
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 286
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 572
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 656
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 371
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 588
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 341
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 370
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 372
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 366
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 336
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: never
Date: 2008-05-07 17:35:05

Hm. 
A beginning in an ending.

Title article: never grow old
Date: 2008-05-06 15:58:39

That was a great transitional line with the casket falling. 
 
I think that was the perfect length for a concise piece like this. I'm going to come back and see what else you have to offer after this.

Title article: A Quiet Isolation
Date: 2008-05-06 15:55:53

It nodded in and out of interesting to me.  
It was very rich and emotional imagery, which for me is both good and bad because at times it was drawn out.  
But this seems like the kind of thing that you aren't writing for readers.  
 
I wish I had the attention span or the willpower to look back through the story and figure out what the photograph metaphorically stood for, because that seems like it should be an interesting point that doesn't jump out at the reader. 
 
Keep on keeping on. 
CS.

Title article: Split Seconds and Poison Emotions
Date: 2008-05-06 15:43:57

Eh. I have a problem with suicide stories because I always feel jipped out of an ending. 
The characters were rigid. The only choice during the whole story was that she put up with him instead of killing herself. Creating choices is what creates tension, and ultimately, the desire to read. 
 
Besides from the negative, the sentences were put together well and it was a smooth read. I'd work on the ability to create a story with many dynamics, maybe too many to start so you can get the idea. 
 
Keep on keeping on. 
CS.

Title article: Smoke, Steel, and Innuendo
Date: 2008-05-01 08:30:31

Drawing a line that orgasm and gunshot passes through is a dangerous game. People can make anything be anything else, but sometimes, you should only do it if they have enough in common to begin with.

Title article: Thump-thump
Date: 2008-04-29 22:54:39

Honestly, I don't know whether it's the drink in me or not, but this reminded me of drunk driving. Getting a grip. Pissing the necessity. 
I don't know what you published this under, horror, or whatever. Everyone seems to be tilting towards horror. 
Until it got to the part about the woman, I was up in the air. I didn't know which way to lean. I think the first half was done well. The second half is too predictable. 
One thing I think a lot of people, including myself, need to realize is that FIRST, you write for you. When you explain everything to me, the fun evaporates. If I were you, to make it more like able for me, you need to make it annoyingly abstract. 
Make me think what is going on. Let me draw my own conclusions. Let me finish the story. Or, at least, let me interpret why the story finished there. 
I'll continue this a sober night, make sure to remind me for specifics.  
 
Keep on keeping on.

Title article: An Ode To Whiskey
Date: 2008-04-16 11:37:20

I usually think more of women and fighting than pirates and knights, but shit, who doesn't like a stiff drink?

Title article: Drunk
Date: 2008-04-14 16:06:37
6.5/10
I thought it was okay. 
 
I always feel cheated when I'm awakened from something that really didn't exist into the story. 
 
I have a few things to say about the descriptive dream/pass out sequence: 
1) I don't know if you've ever been drunk, or drunk enough to pass out, but the last thing you're going to dream passed-out drunk is a red kingdom of pleasure. Not to be that guy that has to put his finger on everything, but that is a bit much (for me). 
 
2) I don't know if you were trying to use a device in switching from the extremely descriptive and juicy language of the dream to manslaughter, but it doesn't quite work for me here. It wasn't sublime enough to click. 
 
3) You do a very good job of painting a picture, or at the least, giving us something we've seen before. If you were aiming to write a sequence that is full and vibrant, than keep it the way it is. If you're trying to write something "tight", you can lose some sentences here and there. 
 
Keep on keeping on.

Title article: Broken and bleeding re edited
Date: 2008-04-03 17:58:06

Heard this story a million times before from white kids getting their lunch money stolen (minus the shooting). 
 
This is the kind of thing that adds to a story, not makes one. I don't really think it's necessary to call him black, not to be racially insensitive, but most reading this story would assume it. Regardless, not needed. 
 
Too is for an addition. To is for everything else. 
 
"Learn how to use punctuation," said the nitpicker.

Title article: 11:11 And 11:12 Can Be Different
Date: 2008-03-26 07:02:26

The guy pouring liquor in the picture said it for me.

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Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 08:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1794
05/26/2008 19:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1794
05/21/2008 21:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic5718
05/20/2008 10:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic1085
05/20/2008 10:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic1085
03/13/2008 22:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic1099
03/01/2008 00:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic878
02/29/2008 04:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic878

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Yahaira (Lockes)
OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
Yahaira (Lockes)

 Created On: 01/05/2009 08:56:29
Edited By Yahaira (Lockes) On: 01/05/2009 09:14:57
Where's your baby momma?
JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

ATX
 Created On: 10/11/2008 13:55:03
You blasphemer. I'm a fan of the second smallest market in the NBA, and our leader has more rings than 24.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/09/2008 13:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 13:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/08/2008 15:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 13:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/03/2008 23:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 23:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 07/20/2008 01:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/20/2008 01:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Chainsaw Enema)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/06/2008 01:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/06/2008 01:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/17/2008 08:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 08:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/13/2008 09:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 08:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/12/2008 15:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 09:29:27
My fanny pack.
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