The Cosmonaut Avenger

Omar trudged through a purplish gold galaxy, slapping...

It's a Matter of Importance

The two of them stood there, neither one of them...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 5386
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 10/10/2008
Connections 12
Avg Profile Rating
 
About Myself: I think it's awesome that the site automatically bleeps words like shit and fuck but it offers you to review or buy a book called, "Petter Hegre 100 Naked Girls" with a nude on the cover. Slick.

And, by the way, if you really don't think a story (regardless of whether it's mine or not) doesn't come to an end, that means you're reading like a fourth grader. Grow up, put on your big-boy-reader-panties and learn to react to what you're given, because you're always given something, considering words are there.

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 107
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 127
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 139
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 175
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 190
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 165
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 123
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 144
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 257
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 533
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 619
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 318
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 545
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 294
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 327
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 309
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 311
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 298
Mar 4, 2008A Man Possessed.Miscellaneous Stories 257
Mar 2, 2008There Are Many Ways (This Not Being One).Miscellaneous Stories 280
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: Awakening of Minds (Part One)
Date: 2008-06-03 17:52:52

needs, especially a short story, is a character as quick as he/she is deep. 
 
The point of this section is obviously how he achieves this advanced thought and talent, but it stretches things out too much for me. It's hard to stick with it. 
 
Overall, as an opening to a bigger piece, I'm not sure whether I would continue reading it (I'm going to regardless, but for the sake of being an unprompted reader). I'm thinking that I would open up the second part and skim it to see if more happens in the way of action or character, as opposed to conceptual things. 
 
I did like the ending though. I can't continue to part two today as for I'm a busy man, but I'll be there soon. 
 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: Awakening of Minds (Part One)
Date: 2008-06-03 17:48:05

It was so hard for me to get into this. 
I've always had a problem as a reader with being impatient. Stories have to justify the means by the ends. I guess the important thing to realize is that this is a multi-parter, so I shouldn't necessarily look at it in a complete state. If I did, the means wouldn't be worth the ends. 
The reason I say this is because it's longwinded. The sixth paragraph ("Three years of...") was a journey, like a desert without much water. It seems to be so soaked in concept juice that it lacks in real substance (to me). 
 
The character is really distant. I'm sure we will see more later, but by the end of this excerpt, I'm not cheering, or against, him, and that's a problem. 
You gave him something to do, and he created a reason to do it, but there still doesn't seem to be a lot of depth there. I wish I could really show you what I mean, but I've been racking the head trying to figure out how and I can't. I trust it will change in later parts, but one thing a story

Title article: Without Her
Date: 2008-05-26 15:30:40

I'm not really a huge fan of the complaining, whining tone that poetry generally entails. 
And this assumes that, to me.

Title article: The Promise
Date: 2008-05-26 14:46:54

I didn't like it. 
It was like you put the girl in an avalanche, then crashed a plane into her, then gave her AIDS and anxiety attacks at the same time. 
 
Sometimes, you should try to do more with less rather than not do enough with more. 
 
You need to find a way to separate things rather than just shooting them back and forth automatically. It gets repetitive. A few waves look cool, but nobody sits on a beach for more than an hour still thinking the waves look cool. 
 
Overall; 
Way too much going on. The things that are the most simple are the best in life. 
And please, for the sake of the future and the other people trying to write and learn from this site, 
Ellipses are not a piece of common grammar. Every sentence doesn't warrant an ellipses (which is this ...). Don't use pieces of grammar that don't have relevance and that just destroy flow. 
This story seems to be relying too much on outside factors and not enough on overall substance. 
I'd take it to the shop and strip it.

Title article: Nishith-babu: Small Man in a Large World
Date: 2008-05-26 09:20:34

"He did have a family though, especially a mother..." 
That was very good. 
"I doubt if he could afford a square meal every day. His appearance proved this beyond a doubt." 
That doesn't make sense. You doubt beyond a doubt? 
"'Ad...v...v...ice?' I stammered." 
That's redundant. Lose the ellipses (...) because that isn't proper use. 
 
The ending didn't do it for me. The journey was way too long to have it end like that. I mean, do things how you want to do them, but this is simply through my goggles. 
 
I liked the idea of a poor Communist lecturer that barks back propaganda on demand. 
There was too much going in that story to just kill the guy and change focus. 
 
Keep on. 
-CS.

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:08:09

One other thing; 
Too much going on. 
Think of what you really need to keep to make it still the story you're looking for, and cut it down to that. It seems like you're almost piling things on this already unfortunate existence. 
 
I think I'm given you more than my two cents here, so for the sake of still possessing a bank account for the others, I'll stop donating to charity.

Title article: Mascara
Date: 2008-05-26 09:06:29

I thought overall, that was a solid job. Strong sentences, strong dialogue.  
 
At the beginning, I felt overrun with information that, I think, turned out to not be entirely unnecessary. I started ghost reading, or looking over the words and then not realizing what I had actually read. That might be a lapse in my attention or it might be a low point in the story. 
You should connect the over's that need to be connected. 
Overflowing, overrun; all that. 
courtesy** - 5th paragraph 
 
The intro paragraph was fantastic. Set a tone and a place and a character in one swoop. I would almost hope the rest of the story would be more like the introduction, but that can't always happen. 
'A single quote,' is incorrect here. 
"I was talking to Mary, and Mary said, 'A single quote is correct here.' And god damnit, Mary was right." 
Use those to separate dialogue within dialogue. 
You very rarely will ever need to use ellipses(=...). They are ugly and misconceived, generally. 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: Tricky Old Women
Date: 2008-05-25 18:48:11

Quality stuff. I really enjoyed that. 
I think this is your niche, to be honest. It feels like a shoe that fits to me. 
 
You really have to wonder why more old women aren't like this. 
 
Don't force dialogue. You can create breaks without putting them in text. Separate some things like this to create a natural break or awkwardness; 
"Good day," she said, grabbing her purse as my foot fidgeted. "Don't be so nervous." 
 
Even if that sucked, I hope it made sense in a general direction.

Title article: another
Date: 2008-05-23 21:31:09

Okay. And? 
 
I mean, sure. This could happen. But so what? 
 
This is a string of events. There really aren't dynamic characters, just two people going through a tragedy. You didn't give them any choices, or the reader. I felt like I was being talked to, not having a story being told to me. 
 
The best example I can give is when you tell a horror story with the flashlight on your face and all that jazz, the reason they were scary (or were, thanks to 2000's television and violence) the reason it's scary is because the kid goes home and relates it to his life, and in a way, makes the story his own the next time if he retells it. 
Without giving the characters the ability to make decisions with some emotional clout is like telling a kid he's going to get eaten, instead of telling him who's eating him, when he's going to be eaten, where he should suspect it, ect. 
 
Dialogue that is always at the front of a sentence makes the end of the sentence meaningless. 
 
Keep on keeping on. 
-CS.

Title article: untitled assignment
Date: 2008-05-23 13:01:14

A pregnant Indian hunter-gatherer who philosophizes, swears, questions, who doesn't know anything but continues on writing a note to herself. 
Native Americans didn't have cash, no. But they bartered, which is essentially the same thing without a representative standard value so I don't know about the bit where she's addressing how trivial money is. 
 
I've always thought it's kind of funny that we die eventually. It's not really fair, to be honest. 
 
I think this had a little of comedy, a little of interesting perspective, a little conflicting knowledge given to us about the character; and overall, I think it was worth reading. And I think I got in too deep for an "untitled assignment". 
Have a good one.

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 09:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1539
05/26/2008 20:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1539
05/21/2008 22:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic4326
05/20/2008 11:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic904
05/20/2008 11:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic904
03/13/2008 23:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic982
03/01/2008 01:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic713
02/29/2008 05:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic713

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi Elaborated)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
OFFLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
OFFLINE Patrick Lytle (PKLytle)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/09/2008 11:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/08/2008 13:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 11:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 09/03/2008 21:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 21:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 07/19/2008 23:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/19/2008 23:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Zombie Punk)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/05/2008 23:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/05/2008 23:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/17/2008 06:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/13/2008 07:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 06:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 06/12/2008 13:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 07:29:27
My fanny pack.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/28/2008 12:10:36
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 05/28/2008 12:12:32
Those aren't stink lines. It's the emanating glory that surrounds me.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)

 Created On: 05/26/2008 15:09:22
I heard you don't bathe.
Feedback from Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine): I heard it's just the reflective stink from you.
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