Broken Glass

The first thing Pamela noticed when she opened her...

Upstairs Looking for Truth

It was her screaming, “Oh my god Jim!”...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
Hits 6477
Online Status OFFLINE
Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 01/07/2009
Connections 12
Avg Profile Rating
 
About Myself: I'm looking for an interesting writer to critique heavily.
(story about thek nuckleballer)

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Oct 31, 2008A Passing Strangeness.Miscellaneous Stories 96
Oct 11, 2008A Night After Dinner.Miscellaneous Stories 194
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 162
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 225
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 193
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 225
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 233
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 199
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 159
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 173
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 286
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 572
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 656
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 371
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 588
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 341
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 370
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 372
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 366
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 336
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: Chancellor Riggin #2: Meeting Garret Feind
Date: 2008-03-07 19:44:36

NO to flashbacks. 
flashbacks are a cop out for establishing character. you need to think about yourself, how you present yourself, and what that says about you and how you've changed as you've grown. ie, your shoes, your socks, your haircut, if you shave your legs and if you trim your nails all the time, how fast or slow you speak, how often, who to.  
the key is make me FEEL it, not know it. the reason we read stories is because we like inventing, we like to be given something and make something else out of it.  
when you TELL us where he's come from, we might as well be watching a vacation slideshow or looking at baby pictures.

Title article: The Cabinet
Date: 2008-03-07 10:56:47

That was remarkable.  
 
The "Nice tie" line is so perfect. That was the puzzle piece that made it really click for me. Good beginning and it followed through. 
 
You have a very strong command of language, and at parts, I wish it was finer tuned to help it read like a brick path instead of a dirt road with rocks just barely big enough to hurt through your shoe. 
 
Great transition between an overly descriptive writers gaze at the world, to a fantasy-breaking order from a boss. 
 
There were so many good elements, and I'm struggling to find a bad one. This is the kind of story that has the depth and potential to keep going. 
 
The dialog was very well timed and entirely realistic, which is tough and commendable. 
 
The adjectives were never beaten to death. I care about the plight of this guy after his decision. You open me up feeling good with the intro, and quickly drop me down, without waiting until the last paragraph to do it so I get to simmer. 
Cheers. Keep on keeping on.

Title article: The Bethlehem Bibles
Date: 2008-03-06 21:51:02

Man, I swear, I didn't have to read past the line about the 1000 Chinese Bibles to know that I was going to enjoy that read.  
It dwindled off for me towards the end, but my previous statement stays.

Title article: How to not be Successful
Date: 2008-03-06 19:25:58

Stories shouldn't be theme-driven. They should be able to be abstracted to relate to themes, but they should be based in having a good time instead of preaching. I believe I could have a perfectly good time on "welfare" for drinks, in fact, I believe I could enjoy that more than paying for my own. And you haven't really shown me likewise. 
It's a good thought. Less cliche and less preachy, and you would have hooked me. 
Keep on keeping on.

Title article: No Surprises
Date: 2008-03-06 19:19:18

Non-fiction?

Title article: Bodhisattva
Date: 2008-03-06 19:17:09

That was pretty good overall. I liked the ending, but I think you need to work on how you format a piece (if you think it doesn't matter, it does, very much so). 
 
Splitting related paragraphs DESTROYS rhythm and mood.  
Relating to dialog- 
"A small town, I was home schooled by my brother, till two years ago." 
if i were you, to imitate more of the way spoken word sounds, 
"A small town," she said, "I was home schooled by my brother, until two years ago." 
I guess if you're going for certainty in speech, then it works. But realistically, not many people speak the way that would read out loud. 
 
If I were you, I'd read it out loud to yourself. 
But if I were you, I'd tell me to go fuck myself because you liked it the way it is. 
So good story, cheers.

Title article: No Surprises
Date: 2008-03-06 19:10:06
body snatcher tarhead here
that was well done, but I have to say - speaking for all of the five year olds still hiding in adult bodies - shake that genie out of his bottle!

Title article: A Man Possessed.
Date: 2008-03-04 22:41:34

what's the point in telling? 
 
i'd just like to know if you enjoyed the ride, not where you arrived.

Title article: Chancellor Riggin 3: A Peaceful Life
Date: 2008-03-04 19:20:54

Eh. You're getting there, I suppose, if this works on a chapter situation.

Title article: Chancellor Riggin #2: Meeting Garret Feind
Date: 2008-03-04 16:11:37

You need to make me care about the character instead of just telling me what he's doing today. At the end of that story, if he was shot, I wouldn't have felt anything. It's hard to mess up a western, actionwise, but what you need to run with is the character. 
IE, i couldn't tell you what his home life was like, what he eats for breakfast, or even where he wants to be in five or ten years.

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 08:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1794
05/26/2008 19:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1794
05/21/2008 21:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic5718
05/20/2008 10:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic1085
05/20/2008 10:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic1085
03/13/2008 22:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic1099
03/01/2008 00:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic878
02/29/2008 04:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic878

Connection

Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)'s connections

OFFLINE Yahaira (Lockes)
OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
ONLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
OFFLINE tomahawk (tomahawk)
OFFLINE Thomas Reynolds (ThomasP3)
OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
 
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Guestbook


Name Entry
Yahaira (Lockes)

 Created On: 01/05/2009 08:56:29
Edited By Yahaira (Lockes) On: 01/05/2009 09:14:57
Where's your baby momma?
JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

ATX
 Created On: 10/11/2008 13:55:03
You blasphemer. I'm a fan of the second smallest market in the NBA, and our leader has more rings than 24.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/09/2008 13:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 13:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/08/2008 15:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 13:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/03/2008 23:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 23:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 07/20/2008 01:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/20/2008 01:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Chainsaw Enema)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/06/2008 01:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/06/2008 01:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/17/2008 08:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 08:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/13/2008 09:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 08:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/12/2008 15:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 09:29:27
My fanny pack.
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