An unexpected gift, Chapter 1

(Author's note: It's the first chapter to an attempt...

Sherman

Here's a story that I wrote for my daughter. She...
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine) Profile Page
Nunyo Bidness (cookingWine)
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Member Since 02/26/2008
Last Online 01/07/2009
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About Myself: I'm looking for an interesting writer to critique heavily.
(story about thek nuckleballer)

Stories


Published Short Stories

 
DateTitleCategoryHits
Oct 31, 2008A Passing Strangeness.Miscellaneous Stories 97
Oct 11, 2008A Night After Dinner.Miscellaneous Stories 194
Sep 12, 2008Disillusionment.Miscellaneous Stories 162
Sep 11, 2008A History of the Defeated.Miscellaneous Stories 226
Aug 23, 2008Life As He Knew It.Miscellaneous Stories 193
Jul 20, 2008Under The Stars.Miscellaneous Stories 225
Jul 11, 2008Unavoidable Detours Created By The Elderly.Miscellaneous Stories 233
Jul 3, 2008Honest Livings.Miscellaneous Stories 200
Jun 22, 2008Preferences.Miscellaneous Stories 159
Jun 14, 2008Velocity.Miscellaneous Stories 173
Jun 11, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 2Miscellaneous Stories 286
Jun 8, 2008Coffee Stains, Chapter 1Miscellaneous Stories 572
May 25, 2008His Favorite Chords.Miscellaneous Stories 656
Apr 27, 2008Admittedly, I Have Been Busy.Miscellaneous Stories 371
Mar 19, 200811:11 And 11:12 Can Be DifferentMiscellaneous Stories 588
Mar 14, 2008Drops Of Rain.Miscellaneous Stories 341
Mar 10, 2008The Sunlight That Didn't Come Through The Blinds.Miscellaneous Stories 370
Mar 8, 2008How Dolan Quit His Job, Without Pronouncing His Name.Miscellaneous Stories 372
Mar 6, 2008You Can't Unring A Bell.Miscellaneous Stories 366
Mar 5, 2008The Strangest Places.Miscellaneous Stories 336
<< Start < Prev [1] 2 Next > End >>

Comments

Title article: Claustrophobia
Date: 2008-09-07 21:58:37

Alright, I'll give my skinny. 
Have you seen Flight 93 (I think it is?)? The Hollywood film based on one of the 9/11 planes? 
I got about five minutes into it and quit. It's not that I don't think it's a tragedy that should be remembered, it's that I think exploiting it for entertainment purposes lacks a certain tact. 
While this piece is different, the driving center story is a tearjerker, and for me, not in a positive way. You beat this character who's given, by means of no background or exterior (B) story, no hope of anything different. 
Bottom line; the average reader knows it's sad. But an ATTENTIVE reader will see it as trying to overwhelm them. 
I guess the choice comes down to who you're appealing to. 
There are things I can nitpick but I'm not going to. 
I think you started in a bad direction and let it careen that way. 
Language isn't bad, no major grammar problems (besides hyphens), but there was very little tangible story (which boils to ability for the character to make decisions.

Title article: A Ticket to Tewkesbury
Date: 2008-09-07 10:53:34

Good luck, chief. 
Don't think you here of many accountants turned writers. Maybe the right-brain got bored of numbers and decided to go tot he party on the left side. 
I don't think I've commented your stories before so I need to do that when I'm less caffeinated.

Title article: WET AND DRY (Gambia 1999)
Date: 2008-08-25 16:53:12

A bit of what dasgupta was saying, and I'll throw something in there from me too. 
Didn't do much for me. I see where you were going, and I think you did that as well as it could have been done. 
Obviously, non-fiction doesn't permit to much license in that regard. I'm picturing fiction and I shouldn't. 
Well, good luck, Samba.

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 2
Date: 2008-07-20 21:44:17

I think this is a step up from the first chapter in a few ways, or at least, a step in a different direction. 
Either way, a good one. 
I'd be wary of getting into the novel idea of a story. This doesn't have the making of a novel so far, too quickly developing. 
Keep it at this pace, actionwise, and I think you'll be set. 
I like where it's going and I'll keep up with it, as long as you keep up the strong word choice and the solid story building. 
Keep on. 
-CS

Title article: A nobody called somebody
Date: 2008-06-29 10:55:21

Man, you're very good. Really good. One of the better writers on this site good. 
 
EVERYTHING I've read from you is so real it it's own rite, if not for me, than I'm sure for millions of others. 
 
Remarkable characters.  
I usually have a mouthful to say about everything I read, but I'm speechless. Not speechless like, I'm in a strip joint speechless, but speechless like I just watched an orchestra. I couldn't possibly comment on the quality or content of their music simply because I'm not at that level. 
 
Cheers. I'll be back for more. 
Keep on. 
-cs.

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:37:01

ter without doing it blatantly. Since you seem to work more in the sublime than the outrageous, I think that would be a good trait for you to develop. 
“Josiah, don’t leave us here” I shouted. “ I need to speak with the others, you and Ella come with me.” 
 
Where's the excitement or the tension there? When I read that, I imagine a monotone speaker like a bad actor in an elementary school play. Going through the motions as opposed to owning it. 
 
I'm not going to try and dictate your style, that's all you, but things like incomplete sentences and line spacing can really help create tension and urgency in dialogue. 
 
Well, that's about all I have to say here. As always with my comments, you can tell me to fuck off via comment or what have you. Just throwing my two cents in. 
Or if you want more, tips on specifics or anything, throw me a message and I don't mind continuing. 
Bottom line; if you continue, I'd like to see more. 
Keep on. 
-cs.

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:31:45

I'm rooting for here. 
 
Hm. 
 
I like how the action wasn't over-the-top. It was subtle enough that it could be secondary to the descriptions and the setting, which is a change in focus that I like. 
 
The dialogue is the only thing that I can point and wag my finger at. There are many ways to do it, but one of the universal rules of dialogue is that it implies more than it says. In a story, you have to convey facial expressions, tones, mannerisms, everything into a " ... ". The way you do this is by splitting different speakers into different paragraphs, using punctuation to create the natural space that comes in conversation or speaking, and ultimately, highlighting what's important. I think you need to be more aware of what the characters are saying and why they are saying it, and making us pay attention to it instead of hiding in a paragraph. Split it! Give it it's own! Even if you don't want to base the story on dialogue, it's still one of the most powerful tools in describing a charac

Title article: The Invention Of Uncertainty, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-06-29 10:24:28

I'm not much for poetry, in knowing technicalities of it or even being able to enjoy it. 
 
But I know a pretty fair amount about structure and content in stories, and boy, you sure do too. 
 
I'll sum it up and say, I really hope you continue to write more stories for simpletons like myself who don't eye the poets. 
 
There is a hell of a scene built here. A real image filled with real substance. Very solid job on that. The best part about your descriptions were that they were involved in the story as opposed to split into a different section. Flow isn't just about word choice, it's about content choice, and this is remarkable in that respect. 
 
As for characters, I don't know them yet. The important part is; I'd like to. Since this is only step one, I feel step two will let me in a little more to them. 
 
It seems like your strength is unleashing relentlessly uncommon diction in a manner that can be related, is enjoyable, and not pretentious or up it's own ass. So fitting word choice is what

Title article: Plutonic Love
Date: 2008-06-12 17:02:28

That was really well done. You connect to your stories very well, and they seem to come entirely from you instead of trying to please someone else. I'd suggest you continue that, because this is quality stuff. 
 
I cared about the character. I really read it for him and was curious to found out how it went. 
I love stories where an average taste is left in your mouth, because they are so identifiable. This is the second one today that has been very real, and that makes the tension so much more believable, and ultimately, enjoyable. 
Thanks for writing this. It was well done. 
Keep on. 
-Cs.

Title article: Battle of Minds (part three)
Date: 2008-06-12 16:48:25

My only real complaint is sticking to the tunes that I've already been humming. This isn't the kind of thing that is typically up my alley, but it's not bad. The character is getting a little more dimensional, but it's going to be hard getting there without slowing down the action. 
The way I like to think about it is when you're sprinting, you can't really gauge how fast other people are going. But if you stop and look at them then, it's much easier to figure out their speed. 
I think the only thing I would ask is that, at some point in the series (earlier, rather than later for the sake of attachment and tension), we slow down so there is a chance at getting to know the character instead of sprinting with him. I hope that makes sense. I'm not quite connected to him yet. 
As far as structure and mechanics, it's fine. There were a few problems but they were really minor and insignificant. 
Sorry it took so long for me to get to part 3. This series takes a commitment. 
Keep on. 
-CS.

Forum


Last 10 Forum Posts
DateSubjectCategoryHits
05/27/2008 08:10:25Re:Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1794
05/26/2008 19:46:26Comments: Tragedy and Good IntentionsOff-Topic1794
05/21/2008 21:49:20Re:Favorite AuthorOff-Topic5718
05/20/2008 10:12:23Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic1085
05/20/2008 10:11:48Re:Writing TipsOff-Topic1085
03/13/2008 22:12:52Re:What do YOU do when planning stories?Off-Topic1099
03/01/2008 00:58:42Re:Appreciate it.Off-Topic878
02/29/2008 04:09:48Appreciate it.Off-Topic878

Connection

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OFFLINE Yahaira (Lockes)
OFFLINE Kasi (Kasi)
OFFLINE Philip Neale (philneale1952)
OFFLINE Dipankar Dasgupta (d.dasgupta)
ONLINE JJ Tyler (JJtyler)
OFFLINE Jody (Jody)
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OFFLINE Christopher Chadwyck (Chadwyck45)
OFFLINE Egoist (Egoist)
 
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Name Entry
Yahaira (Lockes)

 Created On: 01/05/2009 08:56:29
Edited By Yahaira (Lockes) On: 01/05/2009 09:14:57
Where's your baby momma?
JJ Tyler (JJtyler)

ATX
 Created On: 10/11/2008 13:55:03
You blasphemer. I'm a fan of the second smallest market in the NBA, and our leader has more rings than 24.
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/09/2008 13:49:25
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 13:55:02
George: What's "dude"? Is that like "dude ranch"?
Wyatt: Dude means nice guy. Dude means a regular sort of person.
- Easy Rider

You, Dude-Man.
Me, Queen of Cool.

What are you, a Libertarian Republican?
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/08/2008 15:58:07
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/09/2008 13:55:35
Wouldn't that make you the undignified jockey?

Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 09/03/2008 23:29:53
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 09/03/2008 23:34:41
Green-eyed, best idiot SAVANT that there can possibly be, caped, tight underwear-wearing, fanny pack-sporting, taller than a skyscraper, more lively version of Ennui .
Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 07/20/2008 01:25:02
Edited By Jutta Motrin (Juttabell^^) On: 07/20/2008 01:25:45
SPAZ
Max Booth III (Chainsaw Enema)

a wasteland
 Created On: 07/06/2008 01:35:00
Edited By Max Booth III (Zombie Punk) On: 07/06/2008 01:35:22
whoa! there seems to be some serious heat here. but i like the cold, so i'm moving on. see ya

Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/17/2008 08:35:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 08:36:00
White Tiger
Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/13/2008 09:46:37
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/17/2008 08:36:32
Funny, I remember the conversation going more like this:


>>>>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>Eh, I'm bored. Goodbye.

>>>>>>>>>> cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>>>>Of course Juttabell, and you know that they only go "peuw peuw" for you!

>>>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> Fanny Pack (i.e. you), not unless you have some lasers inside you.

>>>>>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>>>>>>> You are so gracious Juttabell, please, may I compliment you on your anatomy?

>>>>>CELL wrote:
>>>>>>>> Eh, sure you can be my fanny pack.

>>>>cookingWine wrote:
>>>>> Please Juttabell!
Jutta Motrin (CELL)
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it 		Created On: 06/12/2008 15:40:22
Edited By Jutta Motrin (CELL) On: 06/13/2008 09:29:27
My fanny pack.
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