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I lay asleep, and as I sleep I'm dreaming,...

The Volvo bus was speeding at 70 kilometers per hour...

Gregg (Kanarf) Profile Page

Hits	659
Online Status	OFFLINE
Member Since	03/01/2008
Last Online	08/21/2008
Connections	1
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Stories

Published Short Stories

Date	Title	Category	Hits
Mar 2, 2008	Orcs	Adventure	333
Mar 26, 2008	Consumer	Poetry	162
Mar 26, 2008	Brain Chatter	Poetry	127
Aug 20, 2008	The Necromancer	Science Fiction	92
Aug 21, 2008	The Sunset	Miscellaneous Stories	21

Comments

Total number of comments: 10

Title article: Legend of the Mañana, Chapter 1
Date: 2008-08-21 19:04:04

Much improved since the last time I read this chapter. I especially liked the intro, and the eunuch/unique joke was hysterical.

I found the end of the chapter to be particularly powerful for some reason, it gave me the sense that something awesome was about to happen

just a few minor complaints:

I spied some present tense near the begging (The man replies with a soft voice.)and you know how much I hate that.

also there was a redundant sentence in the middle ('Yasac had few other skills other than war' should be 'Yasac had few skills other than war')

more present tense about 3/4 of the way through: 'Yasac then slices upwards'

and closer to the end: '"Too late! Yasac get back up here!" Chives shouts as he loads his rife. '

and '"Scarlet keep her steady if you please," Chives shouts. '

Title article: Here I Am, World
Date: 2008-08-21 16:03:30

The flow felt rough to me, but it kept me reading.

I can definitely see this put to music. then the flow wouldn't be an issue as the song would make its own flow.

oh, and the small font in italics is hard to read

Title article: gone was the girl
Date: 2008-08-21 15:43:15

Society says that the moment you turn 18 you become an adult. Hehe, I'm 18 and I hardly feel more mature than i did a year ago. Is this something you are trying to point out or is it just about coming of age?

I like the use of repetition, and it flowed well despite the lack of rhymes.

Title article: A Date with Priya
Date: 2008-08-21 15:26:25

Very engaging. It kept me reading all the way through.

I especially like this line:
"Mrinal wrote down the address and drew the map, ensuring that his nervous fingers didn't reveal instead the way into the hidden recess of his mind. "

Title article: in your eyes *short*
Date: 2008-08-21 12:42:36

There is no need to apologize for the length. A poem is however long or short it needs to be. Its about quality, not quantity.

Title article: The Necromancer
Date: 2008-08-20 19:51:06

update
I have just posted a better draft of this story. Thanks to everyone who gave feedback. The ending might still be abrupt, but I think it is much improved. I kept the title “The Necromancer” (singular), but made a change in the story to make this titile fit because I thought the singular form made a more powerful title.

Title article: The Chat from Hell
Date: 2008-08-20 10:51:54

ooh, just came across this again. I read it a while ago, and it left a lasting imperssion on me. Great little piece of information age horror you have there.

Title article: Of a Fallen Warrior
Date: 2008-08-20 10:46:34

many of the rhymes are rough because the rhyming lines have different numbers of syllables. Good job though, I struggle with this all the time in poetry.

Title article: YASAC
Date: 2008-08-20 10:40:21

hehe, A bit egotistical are we? "for see I am infinity" Anyway, its a nice little cryptic poem, and I think it captures your style well. I love loris's comment

Title article: Beyond Silence
Date: 2008-03-26 21:22:59

NICE
great jorb

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Last 10 Forum Posts

Date	Subject	Category	Hits
03/27/2008 09:28:15	Re:The idea of poetry....	Off-Topic	599

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