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Plastic Taking the knife to...

Primal Need - Chapter 1 Blood. The metallic...

Ayafre (Ayafre) Profile Page

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Member Since	04/05/2008
Last Online	10/10/2008
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Total number of comments: 5

Title article: Legend of the Mañana, Chapter 11
Date: 2008-10-10 21:06:50

Wonderful. I have a hard time with this as fiction, though that might just be me. It's not non-fiction. Perhaps it's best to say it's not fantasy. SO! Take my advice or leave it, but have you thought about writing the stories in verse? Just an idea.You could do something pretty sweet with it that way I think. If you want some literature comparison, I suggest Ellen Hopkins. Good writer, rough topics. Also you could pull some more secrecy among the characters that aren't always being seen. You could, for instance, have chives and Jane disappear for a while doing something shady, since you seemed to hint on that already. You could also change character points of view between the characters that remain main characters. That can also be done with writing in verse.

Aya

soñando

Title article: A Short Adventure of Miner and Mage
Date: 2008-06-20 12:47:19

That was really cute. What an adventure. Lots of fun, though the people reading this should hear our bickering when we're in more dangerous places. lol

Title article: Legend of the Mañana, Chapter 6
Date: 2008-06-12 14:04:58

Memories
I miss everything about those days. But how do we get it all back? It's still in all of us. Well done capturing everything. You've evoked so much emotion.

Title article: Legend of the Mañana, Chapter 5
Date: 2008-04-05 22:54:30

El final
This chapter had my heart rate up by the end. Should I consult my doctor before reading your work? I think this story more than the others, possibly the same as chapter 4, had me living what the characters were, and almost feeling their feelings. Like when the crew was dumped out of their hammocks. I'm addicted now... you've created a monster.

This chapter is a close second to the 4th chapter.

RE: Tarhead
I did find myself lost when Yasac went into the dream, I briefly skimmed the last paragraph for a battle that I could have missed. However, I think that was probably the intention ; as I have seen the same thing in award winning books. I was sent reeling just as Yasac was which added to the drama.

Title article: Legend of the Mañana, Chapter 4
Date: 2008-04-05 22:45:14

ENCORE!
Wow. All of the happy feelings of my life came back to me... unfortunately reality comes back when I'm not in the story. You should know honestly, you are a very powerful writer. Don't ever let your writing fall by the wayside. I do believe this is my favorite chapter so far. :)

Criticizm... I hope god doesn't strike me down, but I figure you might appreciate some balance. The paragraph that begins... "Revloc nods and leaves Yasac. Yasac slowly stared up to the ceiling..." you began several sentances with Yasac... It could be switched up. But I really had to look for something to add here.

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